meanwhile in the real world, i’ve been learning, again, that i still have so much to learn. i am happy–this is important–more happy than i’ve been in a long time. i feel well, and healthy. and perhaps it’s because of that frame of mind i think it’s a good time to address things. difficult things. things i’d rather not think about. things better to brush under the rug.

this is not as noble as it may appear. it took prodding. and tears. a lot of tears. conversations aren’t easy. vulnarability requires uncredited bravery. even when i think i’m communicating well i can see the meaning of my words change when they reach intended ears. there is no bigger frustration than not being able to present, and see, from each other’s perspective.

i try, but maybe i’m just a bad student. not so quick to learn certain things that should be…so…easy. but just aren’t. jagged little edges. raw. and sore. always sore.

but like i said, i’m happy. and as cheesy as it sounds, i’m happy with who i am. who i am becoming. how i am becoming more…me. the individual i’m intended to be. i have found the very best kind of love–something easy and deep, simple and true, friend and lover–all rolled perfectly into one, and i am stunned. and humbled. and i am grateful. so so so grateful. to have that, and the support of friends, and the unconditional love of family. (maybe it’s true, maybe i don’t feel worthy.)

i am coming into different perspectives, changed beliefs, altered views. and it’s good. it adds depth and breadth to everything. my mind feels widened…and i am growing (this is also important!). through all of it, i am trying. bit by bit. trying to listen more. listen better. learn well. learn over, and over again.

i wanted to make note of that. of this. to have it marked somewhere–this time where i am coming into balance. finding equilibrium. at peace. and loved. so loved. and loved, so well.

happy and content. content and happy.

i did not think, even now, in my happiness, that you could hurt me like this.
i had thought i was drifting away, from the anger, from the pain, from the betrayal, and from those lies.

those lies. those lies. those lies.

but when you know me so well, you know at which points i break.
and when you said, so clearly, you simply just didn’t like me

i fell back and again, you left me floored. gutted. spilled.
and even though i didn’t think i had any tears left for you,
i cried, and i cried. and i cried.

you’re good you said, but your personality…
and i am shaken, because it was that very self
that once loved you so well, that loved you so deep

it is the very self you hate now
who i have come to love, to accept.
i have found confidence, assurance,
myself, i cherish.

it is the same me you wrote to say you were afraid to lose from your life entirely.
but i suppose that too was a lie. it would have to be.
if your intention was to hurt so completely, you succeed.

even now, i think about spring fires on mountain tops
and where once there was magic and warmth
here on out, those memories burn.
and you with it.

she was birth of age
the screams of her life led
and lost in the screams of others

she arrived, fists shaking
to the rhythm of the walls
and the sway of the ground

blood spilling, flesh splitting
in the pain of life
and the terror of death

born into rubble
breathing in dust
her first home,
her final resting place.

i think about it
a lot.

about why one needs it. where does one go to find it? what of when it cannot be found?

i look around. i keep an open heart. and eye. and mind.
all i feel is calm. and the promise of something.

something wonderful.

i think then, about happiness. about how it has often inhibited me from writing. from how there are less words that way. wouldn’t you know, all the crap writing as of late–it stems from such a good place.

such a good, good, good, place.

and in this i am conflicted by a trade: words for happiness.
it doesn’t quite seem fair.

maybe it’s time (high high time) i introduce discipline.
can one make the time? is it attainable? where does one go for writing prompts?

where does one find inspiration.

i’ve been prioritizing things differently recently. i’m not as drawn to commitment, obligations, responsibilities. which isn’t to say i’ve thrown caution and adulthood to the wind, i’m just focusing on some other matters which i’ve summed into three categories:  health, happiness, and healing.

by this, a lot of it is mental health. for the last year, i’ve been seeing a therapist. and i am so fortunate to have found a therapist who is terrific. being a willing member of this process has been filled with wonders and discoveries. learning about myself has been difficult but (as cliche as this sounds) it’s rewarding. i have benefited from this, i hope i’ve become a better person, i hope others can be better because of me. and all of this is possible if i’m healthy, mentally.

i’m also happy to be healthy physically! through some unknown magical mystery, i’ve recently lost weight. (a person theorized maybe it was emotional baggage i’ve shed, i could agree.)but for whatever reason i also want to eat better. i just want vegetables and fruit and fresh yum things. i treat myself to what’s good, to what’s nourishing, what is fulfilling.

i feel healthy and fit, i feel up for things. i look better and i’m feeling pretty sexy. i’m out and about exploring. i’m reading. my mind feels warmed up and energetic. and all of this leads to…

seems silly, so entitled, so selfish. to pursue my own happiness. but it’s harder than i thought. to give into myself so much. to ask myself what it is i want. and then to ask for that. to make it happen. to move toward my desires.

a lot of this is moving toward good things. surrounding myself with good people. finding myself in good company. trying new things. having experiences a plenty. a day gone without learning anything is a day wasted. these are the things that make me happy.

i allow myself a lazy day. i allow myself book, coffee, dessert. i allow myself all these pleasures big and small. it is good to feel so happy. to feel like i can smile through anything, even the hurtful bits which persist. maybe when i’m happy, it moves to others too. i’d like to think i’m responsible for a few smiles out there, a few laughs, a few good memories.

while allowing myself health and happiness, what i’m doing is allowing myself an incredible healing. although always ever aware of scars and sores, there were many things i wasn’t addressing. this past year has been one of so many confrontations. a majority of them with myself. it has been painful. and it has been enlightening. to allow myself to move away from things that cause me pain. discomfort. insecurities. to know i don’t need to accept certain things. i am worthy of better. much better. i am deserving.

it is healing to allow myself a confidence that borders on vanity. to laugh as much as i want, as loud as i want. laughter is the best thing. when do you ever feel better than when you’re laughing, and laughing, and laughing? it’s a high that warms everything. that leads to balance and calm.

and so, i am finding the road to a slow recovery.
maybe. maybe.