On Leaving “Home”…again


Nepal is home. I think… I mean, I live here, my family is here, and it’s the place I always come back to…so…that’s “home” right?  I recently read something somewhere that said something along the lines of “home is where you belong”…but, I’ve never really felt like I belong here. I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere.

When I was still pretty much a toddler, I left Nepal for the first time when my family moved…every since then, Nepal has been the place I come to for a month or two on holiday. For the past 10 months, I’ve actually been living here, had a job, sorta made some friends and came as close as I ever have to having a complete life here (job, family, friends = complete life?). And now, I’m leaving again.

Ok ok…so I’ll only be gone for 3 months and in the big scheme of things, that’s not terribly long (esp when I’ve spent four years away with only a single visit in between), but I feel like 8 days before I leave I should be feeling at least a little sooooomething. But.I’m.Not.  I will miss my room (I LOVE my room, ask my sister – I will happily spend ALL DAY in my room). I’ll probably miss Ama’s cooking (but, I cook too…so…). And, I will definitely miss my new friends (“friend” really, singular…but I ADORE my new friend), however,…I’m quite used to missing friends seeing as I’m in a different country and/or continent from most of them.  So I guess I’m left to wonder how much of Nepal I will miss.

I’ve missed Nepal in the past, I’ve missed the sights, the sounds, the colors, all the organized chaos and the feel of Kathmandu truly being an ALIVE city. In fact, it has got to the point where the ride from the airport to my house, I’ve happily rolled down the window and smiled as the gray bursts of fumes and smoke found their way into my hair and onto my skin. (Mind you, this is POLLUTION I’m talking about…but I welcomed it back into my lungs and it cracked me up when I blew my nose and there was a smear of black on my tissue).  I have ached for the monsoon rains that made me feel on days when I felt lost, during winters away I’ve thought about my hot water bottle and I missed it being a comforting source of (much needed) warmth at my feet, and odd as this sounds, I even missed being just another brown face as opposed to being THE brown face on a street…. but the heat, the pollution and brown skinned people as far as my eyes can see – all of this, and more, I will find in India.

So….what about Nepal is there for me to miss?

I will NOT miss the front page of the newspaper where Dahal contradicts what he said the day before (and will contradict himself again in the following morning’s paper)…and how even with all the things he says there are still NO conclusions.

I don’t imagine I’ll be looking for the (not so subtle) eyes of guys as they stare, and I doubt my ears are going to miss all the smoooooth lines they throw at me, ( “hey preity lady, phrom which cauntry you are phrom?” – Nepal, you asshole…but the delivery was almost good enough for me to jump in bed with you. almost.)

I can’t quite picture myself hoping for the (unreliable) load shedding to take effect so that I can fumble around in the dark trying to turn our inverter lights on (and then trying to explain to friends why I got disconnected from our chat because “the power went out” and how I’m still online because “I can plug in my router to the solar powered outlet”).

What will I miss….

I don’t know. I couldn’t say.

But maybe, while in India I’ll find myself figuring it out and maybe when I come back to Nepal, I’ll feel like I’m coming home. Maybe.

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2 comments
  1. “home is where the heart is and the heart i give to you. wherever you go, i will follow you” – remember? elijahji? (elijah wyman??). perty perty.

  2. Roni Macaroni said:

    You ees funny. I also likes ze vey you can jost wraite widout seemin forced. In conklusion, i com bak to reed agin. Laterzzz

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