Last night, I was sad. A thought crossed my mind, a thought that I’ve been trying to push aside and kill if I could, but these thoughts (especially the ones you don’t want to have) have a way of wrapping a tentacle around your heart and they can take over your brain like a unsuspecting cloud that turns into a storm. Alas, I am human (dammit!) and have no set defenses against these things, so instead of allowing these thoughts to accumulate and settle into a black resin, I decided it would be best to let a friend peek into my Pandora’s Box. I try to hide these things for no other reason than I am human and although all the contents of Pandora’s Box are not all held within me, I am human and therefore mirror all that is bad about humanity.
What is this thought? That itself is irrelevant, but the flip side of these thoughts – they discourage me, they take my self worth and sell it back to me for a lesser price, they make me want to give up writing. I shared this with my friend, he was…well, I don’t have a word for what he was. I think he thought I was being silly, and yes, I’ll admit (not to his face) that perhaps, I was being silly. My wallowing in self pity and my unwillingness to listen to him probably didn’t help, and so, dear friend (if you’re reading this) – I apologize.
Lucky for me, we were having our conversation online so when I wasn’t in an adamant-about-being-right mood, I went back and reread our conversation and came across a token of wisdom I hadn’t even cared to read properly when he said it to me. In his words (thank you copy-paste):
” I mean it’s not the smartest advice you’ll get but I have been there believe it or not, writing or anything else that you do or want to do…knowing the person you are for however little time…I know you do it cause it matters to you, you don’t do it for the money – you do it cause it makes you happy… gives your life a purpose…it’s personal to you…same with writing or art or running or music you do it cause it makes you happy and what you do, art/music/writing – it’s your take on things…it’s unique, cause you are unique it’s your baby.”
I had stopped writing for so long, I had allowed a part of myself to die (for reasons that I now see are so foolish), but here I am writing again (ok ok…it’s JUST a bloooog I know). I know only a few people have read (and only nepaliketi regularly comments ) but for those of you who have read and told me you’ve stumbled upon my thoughts – thank you. In telling me I “should have started a blog a long time ago”, you’ve awakened something in me that was asleep, wait, not “asleep”…something that was in a coma that I had expected to perish. ugh…see…now I’m getting mushy.
Dear friend, you’re right (don’t you dare be smug about me admitting you’re right) but you are. It is my baby. My baby might not be the most beautiful, my baby might not win awards, my baby might never be read by anyone other than myself and the few souls who love me enough to scan my blog everyday…but what I write, it is mine, it is personal and friend , you were right (again), no one can take that away from me. I know that my writing it isn’t what it used to be (but change is good right?), I also know right now I’m just a blog among billions of other blogs… but that’s okay.Writing does make me happy, and if what I write isn’t always “happy” or “good” or “well written”… it’s….well, it is ….enough.
SO….let me wrap this up: thank.you.all.from.the.bottom.of.my.butt
(it’s a lot bigger than my heart)
Thank you, friend and friends for making me feel more sure of myself, and for giving me back a part of who I am, thank you for loving me (moody, stubborn, pig-headed ninnymuggin that I am) and most of all – for being honest with me and for encouraging me.
I. am. ever. so. painfully…slowly…learning.