I’m a verbal thinker, and although “verbal” implies words, I use that phase loosely indicating that my thoughts tend to just float around in my head and it is only in speaking them out loud, typing it to a friend, or writing it down (on this blog-slog khalko thau ma) that my thoughts emerge from the fog and take shape.
There are several avenues I can utilize to clear my head (gchat, skype, facebook) but of course, my number one preference is to have a face-to-face conversation with someone. Since moving back to Nepal it’s been difficult finding people to have the type of conversations that I feel bubbling from deep within.
I spoke with a friend last night (gchat) addressing the issues we were having in our relationship and I told him that it was difficult for me to talk to him sometimes because there are so many things I want to explore that he cannot understand or relate to, and in truth, I don’t want a conversation where the other side’s inputs and opinions are based on pictures of starved “African” children with fleas on their face and clips of destroyed homes on TV.
I told him the things that stick in my head, that I want to think about, that I want to talk about, are things like poverty and pain and dehumanization and people’s mentalities… all specific to Nepal, … but it’d be like trying to talk to Paris Hilton about something intelligent, they just wouldn’t get it.
Of the people I have been surrounded by, it’s been hard to find the right people, time and environment to be like “Hey, I saw this…” and “I’ve been thinking about this” and “I’m bothered by this.” There are so many small experiences I have, people, lives and incidents I encounter… that beg for my attention.
Over the last few days, I’ve realized that I’m tired about writing about things that hurt me and make me feel guilty. I’m bored of blogging about the sorry sights I see (and I’m sure you’re starting to tire of it too), it makes me slightly sad that I don’t write posts that are funny anymore. This blog is turning into a diary of moments in time that add to my depression over Nepal. Above all the frustration and annoyance at the system and myself, I’m starting to experience the mounting need to actually do something.
Yesterday over lunch/coffee/hot lemon with a friend, I expressed how this blog was useless, that only a handful of people read (mostly my friends), and even after taking the time to pour over my words, it’s ineffective. He was encouraging and made me feel better but I’m starting to feel the pressure of time. Yes, compared to my friends who are in their late twenties and early to mid thirties, I am a “kid”, I’ve had more than one of them say to me, “I wish I was your age,” as my friends head towards (or run away from) marriage, children, I start to panic. I don’t want to wake up with 3/4th of my life having passed me by only to realize that I’m still waiting to live.
I want to spend these years, my best years, knowing that I did what I could. I want to make time for the people that matter, I despise that most of my interaction with those closest to me are online, but I am overjoyed that because of those who sit for hours in front of their computers to talk to me I never have to worry about this happening to me.
The world we live in is a sad place and at time, it feels like it’s growing increasingly more dismal. There is much to be done and I barely know where to start, but in the words of my wise friend, “You’re still so young, and I’m still optimistic”, if he still is, there is no reason I can’t be.
I suppose this is a request for you to start doing something. And if you’re unsure about where to begin, call me, a conversation is as good a starting point as any.