I don’t know about you, but every time I log onto facebook (which I do quiiiiiite often) I seem to come across another “friend” getting engaged …or married …or having a baby …or getting a dog. With a change in relationship status and last name, and of course the “Best day of my life!” albums, I feel obligated to browse and give due respect to the hours women spent stressing over colors and flowers and center pieces and guest lists and so on and so forth.
In clicking through photos of “The Newest Member of Our Family”, in scrutinizing the engagement rings, in admiring (or cringing over) dresses, every “special moment” of someone else’s life screams “I’M GROWING UP” and it leaves me wondering if I’m missing something.
I always figured I’d grow up on time. For most of my life, I was two years behind where I wanted to be, I was the troop leader charging into the ambiguous future and I was sure I would excel at it (the “it” being a “grown up”). But with the increasing number of white gowns and dogs with a new last name that clutter my newsfeed, I find myself questioning where I am in life.
I have to admit, I don’t feel like an adult. I still remember being a first grader and believing that to be in third grade (!!!) totally meant you had your shit together. And then, when those two years passed by (which to me felt like I had survived a lifetime and a half) I too walked into the much dreamt of third grade classroom… only to have my admiration and awe transfixed on fifth grade. Fifth graders, oh yeah, they had it all.
That line of thinking continued… from fifth grade I looked up to middle schoolers, then high school, then senior year and then, if you were in college – you were an adult in my book. Then being the dorky freshmen in college, I knew, I just knew once you had that degree and a job (a real person job mind you, not the “I’m a poor college kid” kind of job) you had made it.
Congratulations. Adulthood would bow down to you. The red carpet would be rolled out and you could walk down it to the future, fist punching the air, wings on your heels, a crowd cheering, cameras flashing, parents glowing….to a jobs you hate, being severely underpaid, and a globe of uncertainty on your shoulder.
In the last few days I’ve had many conversations where the other party says, “I’m going to buy a ring,” (I’ve even been recruited to help pick one), “We’re going to figure it out”, “She’s the one”, and here I am… unable to make my relationship official…. unwilling to think about grad school…. reluctant to plan what’s next…
I think, dare I say it, I’m almost dreading “growing up”. For once, I’m where I want to be, and I’m happy to not know where I’m headed.
Lucky for me, my parents are understanding, I have a man crazy enough to be willing to wait for me to be “ready” (whatever that means), and my friends aren’t rushing me into anything. For the time being as I read statuses that read, “I got the job!!!” “I said YES!!!” “Welcome baby *insert name*!!” “I got accepted to *some prestigious grad school*”, I’m relieved that I’m allowed to grow up at my own pace.
As for my fb status, it doesn’t even mention the new PM of Nepal…. instead, I choose to update everyone on the state of my watery eyes and runny nose.
I don’t think I ever really want to grow up.