Most people don’t remember their dreams but I do. (One day I’ll post on the marvels that happen in my sleep, some are truly adventures worth writing about!) Though I mostly dream about the bizarre and funny, once in a while, I wake up to confusion and angst due to the content of my night time interpretations of day time experiences (and sometimes, fantasies).
I found myself in a bit of a slump today wondering why my sub-conscious led me where it did. In the wee hours of the morning, my mind trapped me emotionally between the long gone past and the present, and I was faced with a choice I had once dreamed about (haha… “dreamed” about), but wouldn’t want to curse myself with now.
There, in semi-disturbed slumber, my ex was willing to break off his upcoming wedding if I would only give him another chance…for lack of a response I cried for our past, I cried out of anger, and I cried out of confusion and disbelief. “What about your fiance and child?” I asked (though there is no child in real life… wedding bells are scheduled to ring in a few months). “You want me to leave my boyfriend?!!” I questioned and his big blue eyes looked at me with promise and pained conviction.
I remain slightly stunned.
It wasn’t that I considered it, even in my dream it wasn’t an option- more than the possibility of starting again with him, I suppose the swelling question mark followed the unanswered “why”.
Why is he lurking in my mind? Behind blinks and closed eyes, I can remember the tears I cried, I can remember his gaze and perhaps the matter of the dream, perhaps because it was him that I had once loved so fully – it all haunts me. And makes me a little sad too I guess. Though errands in the morning, work though out the day and evening, his begging voice and request for reconciliation stunk in my brain like a pair of dirty socks forgotten under the bed…nagging me the whole time.
Why? Why come back to my dreams after all this time? Why now? Why that? Why? Why? Why?
But then, questions I could ask forever (and know I’ll never get an answer), somehow don’t matter… they melted away in the heavy rains from today, they drowned in the muddy temporary street rivers, and they lost their power when I saw my man who makes still makes my heart race. Walking into his open arms, receiving a kiss on my forehead, finding his hand and intertwining fingers… I remember that reality is so much better.
(And, because I’m not me without a generous portion of oddities, the same dream also contained an art exhibition which entailed me dancing…but I wanted to see the rest of the show so I made a clone of myself (easily done) to dance for me while I commented on other pieces of ‘art’….and somehow David and Victoria Beckham were eating picnic sandwiches at the table we shared…she was wearing the hat from William and Kate’s wedding, and they were polite enough to wait for me to finish before they left.)