Emptying out

Today, for some reason I felt so tired… not just tired, I felt weary. I was exhausted from daily tasks and I wanted to run away if my legs would let me, or curl up in a ball if they wouldn’t. I wanted to get away from the pressure to be productive, to be successful, to be a contributing member of society. I wanted to have a life where no want expected or wanted anything from me where I could be happy being mediocre. I wanted an easy enough paying job to live with my friends, to hang out, to drink beer for breakfast and have beer for lunch and dinner too. I wanted to live the silly mistakes and crazy stories that are best learned when you’re in your youth.

The thought of being professional, of going to work, of putting up a happy face and handling day to day matters completely drained me. Seeing people and having to interact with others pained me and made me want to melt into myself and just…vanish.

There are emotions and feelings inside of me that I don’t believe there are words for. There are thoughts, concerns, worries, and fears that I dare not give life to by making the mistake of letting them breathe out into sounds that others could hear.

The task of just breathing sometimes feels too heavy and trying to simply function becomes a burden. And the worst of all is that there seems to be no place for comfort, no arms that have the ability to heal. The best you can do is burrow: burrow into blankets if you can get away with not getting out of bed, or burrow your feelings into a spot that eventually will forget what it’s like to feel.

While trying to let time pass in its own tick-tick way, until I could find a space to be alone I came across a piece of music so beautiful and so powerful I could feel myself seamlessly blend into it. The music reached into me like a hand, forcing itself into my mouth, down with the air I breath, and the fingers of the notes wrapped around my heart and with tears in my eyes it’s like the music pumped life back into me.

Beats in measures, in chords, in time, and in perfection.

For years and years and years I was never able to under classical music, I couldn’t comprehend the value of song without lyrics and now,  the genius of one man lulls me out of the state I was in. And here, now, with the piano in my ears, with a rush in my veins, and a strange comfort that I find myself floating on, I feel better.

I wonder if it’ll make you feel the same.

  1. aww. this is one of my favourite pieces of music. that i love sharing with the world.

    i love listening to it again and again. especially when i’m lonely.

    it really makes me feel like i belong. inside it.

    happy listening, dear.

  2. i know what you mean by a tune taking your breath away and with it your soul and mind and all that so that you are just left with this feeling of being so amazing yet so ordinary … for me it’s sarah chang on violin playing us bach’s air on the g string. it’s not just beautiful. it’s like a story – really really sad but so so hopeful.

  3. also, if you want, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TuyjQ-W6ts&feature=related
    of course, like true honest musicians she feels what she is playing but her face makes me want to not take this piece lightly – she literally gives it all she has. of course so does my absolute favorite violinist of all time, itzhak perlman (youtube him doing the same song) but i think i may be biased towards sarah in this piece because she’s a young female…..?

    enjoy. the gift of music of this caliber is an honor to hear – for free! on the internet! with so much ease it’s crazy.

  4. Ellie said:

    The first and second paragraphs summarize exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. The professional world demands too much from and expects us to consistently exceed average quality work. That’s not possible 100% of the time, but they’ve tricked themselves into thinking it’s a reality. You need some time off to hang out in that sunny window of your new room!

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