negative notes on love, marriage, and what comes thereafter :/


is it your fault if i’m not convinced by your declarations of love?
because those professions of ‘i love you’ … i’ve heard them before
and weeks to years after they’re said we run into walls on Facebook
(or other more personal circumstances)
and we’re faced with an uncomfortable silence
wondering whether there is still something familiar
inside of the now-stranger
that we had once promised to love for forever.

I watched a woman I didn’t know, glare at the man she chose to wed, and in her gaze I read (as one woman to another) the dare, the challenge her eyes said, asking if he wanted to risk hurting her. And he did. A while after I found an excuse (of helping her peel an orange) to make conversation, and this is when I discovered that recently married, her belly held a month and a half old baby, away from family, she left her life for him. the one that left her alone in the hospital, when a medical anomaly could be potentially dangerous for her and her not-yet-fully-formed baby that she hoped was a daughter. and i was disgusted. how could someone who swore the moon, the stars, and love for her, leave her alone with an IV arm and the terror that comes with being a soon-to-be new mother? she looked at me with sadness and surrender saying she too thought he’d be different, and in her words, she declared, no matter what – us women are left to suffer.

i do not want to be,
one of those women who say
(to other young star-eyed love-stuck girls),
“All men change after marriage”
as if there is a switch that is flipped
and the vows dissolve into neglect and abuse – right after those ‘i dos’

i do not want to be,
an un-wed woman of 63
that would not let the wisdom of other women let me trust men
and backing away from proposals and prospects of a happilyeverafter
spend my days stuck on ‘what if’

i do not want to be,
so foolish as to think i’m the exception
that a man who says he’ll do everything
will put his words into action, just for me
but there’s something to be said of something
that has been told to me repeatedly

and i am here asking myself,
will you still be who you are
if and when i agree
to let a ring on my finger
bind you to me?
because my calloused heart says I can let you take my hand
but the words of my mother, of a stranger, of all those women who’ve taken the plunge
into the arms (and the disappointment) of their previous prince charmings warn me to be
smarter

Of all the pessimistic things I hear about marriage every single day, I simply cannot understand why those who swear it’s a mistake are the ones urging me to repeat their error. If men change once they ‘own’ you (what a disgusting, dirty term indeed) then why should I marry at all? If the sweet things and thoughtfulness vanish once the thrill of secret meetings and stealing kisses are gone, why should I change from this blissful state? If I, because I am a woman, have to suffer after being tagged a wife (and god forbid, a mother) I’m much happier (and evidently better off) to be a girlfriend forever. Besides how it’s a social “necessity” I don’t see why people bother with marriage at all.

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