I’m a Christian, but I never go about declaring it. I don’t believe my faith is something that I need to tattoo my on forehead so that people can judge me as soon as they see me. So far I’ve excluded my faith on my blog and most of my professional life because I don’t think it’s something people have to know about me. If you’re a Hindu, or a Buddhist, or even a Muslim no one will bat an eyelid, but as soon as you bring Christ into the room people raise on eyebrow, take a step back, and their voices get a octaive higher, “Ooooh… you’re a Chrrrrristian?”.
Yes. I am. I bloody well am and I’m not ashamed of it. The reason I hold off on changing the way people view me is exactly because of that – the way they perceive me. What I’d like to do is establish myself as a person with my morals and opinions outside the faith because yes, being a Christian most certainly influences who I am but it’s not EVERYTHING I am, but I find people are far less willing to accept me (all of me) and my opinions when I wear a badge with a cross on it. It’s like people can’t understand that anytime I talk I’m not trying to shove my religion down their throat because if I bring up social issues or injustice of flaws in our culture it’s viewed through she’s-a-Christian-and-we-hate-Christians glasses.
I don’t believe you can properly argue/judge something/someone without first understand it/them – but that’s something that happens here every.single.day. It’s so frustrating.
And I have SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOO many issues with Christianity in Nepal. Simply put, I find it suffocating. Besides all the issues I have with how Christians/Christianity is misconceived here, I have even more to criticize about those here who claim to be “Christians”.
The reason I’m venting here is because any of my friends who I can have proper discourse over this aren’t in Nepal and we haven’t been able to catch up online and what I’m mad about right now is my own family. My own Christian family. Side note: Being born into a Christian family doesn’t automatically make me a Christian too, it’s a decision that I took a long long long long time to make and that I STILL grapple with every day. And that’s just it, while on this quest for answers and meaning I’ve discovered that I disagree with a lot of what I’ve been taught but there’s no way I can voice these things here. Because if I’m not busy enough trying to defend my faith to those who make absurd baseless accusations, it’s near impossible to defend what I believe to those within the Christian community here.
I’m venting here because the other day I had a conversation with my mom and I tried to clue her in on “values” I disagreed with but the conversation ended up being short and it affirmed the fact that I need to keep my mouth shut about where I stand on my way to Salvation. My mom is a fierce person that no one dares stand up to but not being allowed to express my arguments made me so mad. What she ended up saying was “Sure, go ahead, tell people what you think and your children will end up like Pastor ******’s son.” The pastor’s son who is now living with his Hindu girlfriend in America and who doesn’t want anything to do with the Church. SHOCK AND HORROR. Anyways, I don’t want children.
If the Christian community itself won’t allow people to question and to seek then they’re DOING IT ALL WRONG! Because here’s the thing – this life is based on SEEKING and asking and questioning and in doing so I’ve come to the conclusion that being gay is not wrong, I don’t think you have to go to Church every week, I don’t believe we should be “converting” people and I am 100% Christian… what this faith means to me is that it’s PERSONAL. It’s not about being showy as if I can earn brownie points in heaven by being able to tick things off of a “How Christian are you” check list.
I’m just so mad that my own mother was unwilling to step back and look at things from a new angle because the faith has become institutionalized here and they’ve taken the Word of God and shoved it into man-man holes and I’m bursting with all sorts of emotions because people like my mother (amazing woman that she is) are contributing to the reason why Christians here are viewed the way they are. And that’s so unfortunate because my parents are actually super liberal for Nepal.
I’m just so annoyed that I can’t engaged in a conversation about these things because they matter so much to me, because they bother me day in and day out (and prevent me from being apathetic!), and because I’m unable to find solutions. And the way people respond (“Christians” and non-Christians alike) simply disgusts me. I’d like to find people who of different backgrounds (and yes, different faiths) who are happy to talk about these matters, discuss with each other and do it while still managing to RESPECT each other! I’d just like to hear and be heard.
Is that too much to ask?