I wish I didn’t know this emotion that well, but I do. I know it like I still know all of the lyrics to songs from the 90s I haven’t listened to in years, but will sing along with if it happens to play somewhere near. I know envy because I feel it every day. Lately, this unwanted company is heavy at work because I am in awe of those I work with and I can’t help but feel inferior. We all write, but to me, some of them are actual writers. They put ideas and thoughts into print and it’s clear to see that each word is a choice word. Each word has been hand picked and examined before being inserted in its exact place in an article. While I speed write (and I’ll admit, that’s a skill on its own) I feel like I run in a field and let my hands grab whatever flowers and foliage my fingers are able to grab onto. While they, they in their calm way of pulling words together, threading them into perfection, will go through and pluck just the right flower, just the right length of stem, and to top it off – they even find the perfect ribbon to tie it together. So beautiful, so ready to sell, so eager are those who want to buy.
And I am left, not green but instead with a spattering of color, as torn petals bleed onto my hands. Dying rapidly leaving me feeling unkept, unpretty, unworthy, and guilty as could-have-beens die sticky in my open palm. Insufficiency.

  1. K said:

    Whoa! Just what I needed to read. I too am no stranger to this feeling of envy. But, I don’t usually have the courage to admit it. Like you, I envy those gifted writers. Besides that, I envy those who have the same or even less level of education or skills than me but have made it bigger in the corporate hierarchy. I find myself stuck and lingering in the middle of nowhere. I envy. But, envy is good as long as it drives you to make the needed improvement in your life. It gets bad when envy makes you doubt yourself. Perhaps what we need is a healthy way to channelize this energy of envy to motivate ourselves to excel.

  2. pawan said:

    like Geroge Orwell said ” For a creative writer possession of the “truth” is less important than emotional sincerity “…..we humans and animals and trees too i think well we are connected with emotions ….

    “It is also true that one can write nothing readable unless one constantly struggles to efface one’s own personality. Good prose is like a windowpane.”George Orwell( he is good well we were both born on same date so by god i am George Orwell not really hola)
    You don’t have to try too hard shethinkstoherself ….

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