she wrote to me two days ago, but i only saw the email today. signed with love by the mother of my ex-boyfriend, i find myself in quite the emotional state. her son, who so broke my heart, who i still love in some odd acceptance kind of way, who has the tag of ‘my first love’ attached to his name, is married to another woman — it’s clear he’s gone his way.
and while he lends his lastname, to a woman not me, i assumed his mother too would move on to the daughter-in-law that i’ll never be.
i stopped writing to her when i heard J was engaged. ‘it’d wouldn’t be fair’ i reasoned, after all, if i am to wed, i wouldn’t want a mother-in-law to be making a call on my husband’s ex from bygone college days.
but there it is, in my inbox, a note to say she thinks of me, that i’m in her prayers. and even now, this very instant, i am fighting back tears. and the smell of apple pie, her recipie that i made mine, comes back. the kitchen where i’d help in what ways i could, the shopping trips we took, the cardigan she bought for me that i still have, the presents of jewelly that i still wear — all seem to have changed in weight.
they’re heavier with loss. to be left in the past. to fade. there will be no new memories, no more summer ‘best of the season’ corn, no more patio beers, no more of our fav shows recorded on their TV just for me, no new conversations to take their place.
and i feel heavy with love. that over the years still persist to this day. to love her, to love her family, to love their dog, oh my goodness did i (and do i) love their dog. and in her short message, i guess the love is still there. on the other side of the world. unforgotton.
i wrote back. i hope she’ll write back too. there’s no way i couldn’t, there’s no way i couldn’t not care.