“Some people automatically look at another person’s eyes, my eyes always go to nose rings,” was how he started this strain of our conversation, I think. I answered his question about how the ring hangs ‘on the wrong side’ for our culture, but culture wasn’t really the reason I did it, although that was the excuse I gave my mother when asking for permission. “You must have had a lot of guys after you,” he said and I’m sure I squirmed just the slightest bit in my seat. So I explained, I’ve never been the girl guys go after, I’ve always been ‘friend’ material, not really the one men are begging to tag as their ‘girlfriend’. Perhaps this is why compliments when it comes to matters as such make me feel so uncomfortable. All of it is just so awkward, I much prefer being a friend than the object of someone’s affection.
He told me he’d been wanting to talk to me, and I could feel my face burn as my cheeks changed color to an unflattering red. My face, involuntarily, scrunched up; I’m never sure how to react–I laughed. When he asked, “So what type of a person are you?” I felt like I was wearing heels that were too high, and too big, like trying to walk in ill-fitted stilts. And the scale definitely tipped to fully fledged discomfort.
Assumptions about his intention aside, I’ve been wondering why comments as such unravel my self confidence. Why it makes me want to go back to being the little girl who’d hide behind her mother when anyone asked a question. I’d be lying if I said this sort of…attention…wasn’t flattering, of course it is. But beyond that, deeper than that, is the feeling of being shaken. Even writing this, I’m so unsure of myself.