i want to complain without having to voice myself. i want you to look at me and know i’m not as okay as i seem. i wish you could hear all the rage and hurt in my silence. i wish i wish i wish
i wish i wasn’t so fucking drained. this country gave birth to me and in payment it sucks my life away. sucks it through the cracks on the street. pulls it away from my body in waves of heat. no batti. no energy. no pani. no life. no gaadis. no where to go, it seems. a country of idiots, of sheep (i apologize A, i know you don’t want me to say it, but this is what i believe.) suffocating. suffocated. killing and hurting and depriving. i’m frustrated into tears.
i am maddened into sleep. the weight of weariness spilling itself for hours on my bed. fuck productivity. there’s no point to it here anyways. i hate the intrusion of politics in my life, i hate that i can’t step across the street to buy juice or sabjee. i hate that i can’t even get to work because these fools, these damned damned fools have taken to harming journalists. and they dare, how they dare, to ask for a press ID. like a name lettered near my face on a card with a media house on it should have any stake in my security. your cause is only material for mockery. your anger means nothing to me.
the people on the streets are angry, well i’m angry too. i’m angry at all the suffering they inflict on those who just simply try to get by without harming anyone or anything. my parents, who love this barren wasteland land have taken to telling me to seek opportunity elsewhere. go. they say, if i can. i’m angry that i can’t live normally because assholes have divided us by ethnicity. well ask me what i am, ask me where i belong, and i will spit in your face and use a word that is now vile and void of meaning. i’m Nepali you bastard. i’m fucking Nepali.
and there is no pride in that right now. it’s just a fact. my passport is a dirtied green. just try telling me i’m anything else. try to break me into a caste and i’ll yell at you that i’m a mixed breed and yet i am still, only just, a Nepali.