Didi asked me what was wrong. She wanted to know if I was sad, “You don’t post your crazy lists anymore” she said. And she’s right. Why is there a sense of failure in admitting that I’m not as okay as I’d like to be? So for that reason…if this is even a reason…here’s another list:
1) There are two odd but useful skills I have mastered this summer: a) sitting side saddle on a motorbike, a talent I have perfected because I don’t really recall the last time I wore pants…it’s skirts and dresses FTW b) keeping a scarf on my head, even in high winds
3) I’ve been struck a lot by just how much can happen over a lifetime
4) Yesterday I cried over a break up not my own. heavy heavy heavy
5) It felt good to cry, a relief
6) I faced my fear and got into a bikini and looked in the mirror and the result may be thousands of notes down the drain wasted in therapy (but more realistically my fictitious money will be spend in denial over beers. mmmmmm beer)
7) I’ve also been realizing that I’m not comfortable with my own nudity, I can’t even stand to be naked when I’m in my room alone
8)It’s an incredible thing, loving a person enough to let them go.
9) I often look at my parents as a prime reason not to get married, but when stories are shared over dinner I am almost proud of them (is it odd to be ‘proud’ of your parents?) because despite all their crap and all the crap that’s passed on to my psyche…they’re still together.
10) I don’t think digital readers will ever move me the way ink on paper will
11) I’m so grateful for my friends…like S who roamed half of Kathmandu to find me specific shoes that are nowhere to be found…and who is oddly enough willing to take part in round two
12) Ah. music. I sway.
13) I wish I could show people the future I see
14) There’s always this desire to know things about people that no one else knows
15) I think I may be the only person who gains weight the first time I try to ‘diet’
16) I’d like to be taken out on a date, but a date without expectations
17) blunt razors leave much to be remembered by
18) night breeze, oh what you carry
19) the things that aren’t said and the things that are
20) none of this HAS to make sense
21) maybe rules are, after all, just suggestions
22) bapeede peede pee dee
23) dogs that bark all night are teaching me to sleep though anything
24) sleep, it asks to be pursued these days
25) to be wooed
sound bubble. stretch. beyond the wire connecting your rhythm and lyrics to my music machine.
26) filmy filmy filmy and true. ugh.
27) “let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
let’s get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
let’s get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
from way up there
you and i
you and i”
28) baby. i wanted there to be no shame in that word
“we will put the loneself on the shelf”
29) sometimes i think i could hold the city in my lungs
until it began to break free
gasping for air
polluted though it may be
30) weary weary weary
31)rustle. rus-ulle. russle.
32) i was recently told the story wasn’t finished. i’m sure it’s true. but i’d like to leave it like an unfinished book, spread into wings of pages, forever creased on the spine.
33) There is something to being able to see beauty in everyone. to be attracted to each good person who is in my life, whether to stay, whether in passing. and so each individual is attractive, in his or her very own way. i have a crush on each of you, because you’re not me.
34) me monster is so greedy. eats so much. doesn’t know it’s obese, and takes fourth helpings, and remains unapologetic
35)i cannot wait to fly away, to be somewhere not here. to leave things behind (even if for a while) and to pick up things that are new. anew. i cannot wait for my temporary respite. loving under the same sun but standing on top of different sand. i cannot wait to feel the difference, an yet unexplored kind of insecure.
i bide my time
and now, to a song: