types of phone calls i don’t get


person who calls: hey, wadda’ya doing?
me: nothing
person who calls: can i come give you a hug?
me: yeah, sure, i’d like that

person who calls: hey, was thinking of you so i called
me: really? thanks
person who calls: how are you doing?
me: okay
person who calls:how are you REALLY doing?
me: not so okay..?…
person who calls: can i come give you a hug?
me: yeah, sure, i’d like that

person who calls: what’s on your mind?
me: nothing.
person who calls: HAH. as if. for real, what’s on your mind?
me: well, i’ve been thinking a lot about if there is a point to anything i do. like, am i living to my ‘potential’, why do i even have to live to my ‘potential’? the world is so terrible sometimes, why are we weighed down by affections and stuff. how much am i supposed to do–do i feel pain for everyone and everything? and if i do, how does that look because there is so much i could feel pain for and try to help but then i’d just feel lost. i’ve also been dealing with random boughts of anger, sometimes i know why, sometimes i don’t. also. i’ve been feeling this heavy missing-ness, i miss people. i miss those who know me best. and, i don’t enjoy my job like i used to which sucks because that’s 90% of my life. i feel too young and too old at the same time. i feel emo and i hate that. i wonder if it’d help to cry? i think i’m pretty lame. actually. anyways. those are just some thoughts.
how are you?
person who calls: can i come give you a hug?
me: yeah, sure, i’d like that

this is not a cry for help, it’s an expression of how badly i’ve been wanting/needing one of those hugs where you can feel yourself break a little on the inside, except you break into better-ness. anyways.

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