when there is so much to do i seem to fall into a panicked procrastination where i end up writing here instead of working on whatever it is i should be doing. it’s inching towards 1 am and instead of completing the other various tasks at hand, time has chosen this evening for me to sit down and put into words the things i’ve been thinking about.things concerning love.
oh yes, here we go again. something in my memory stuck a hand up, and going through old posts it appears this is a topic i’ve bared all and written about before . But (ah yes, the infamous but), in the year (almost to the day!) since i last wrote on the topic, much has changed.
reading over my experiences from around this time last year, i’ve come to realize that one must be open to being changed, to having views change. in certain matters of life, being stubborn just won’t do. so what’s the difference? in between my doting post of then and my more distanced view now, i see the same experience but from both sides of the mirror. looking out and looking in. the optimism from then and the….
…oddly enough, i was compelled to write this post from a fresh optimism about love. relationships that don’t last have a tendency to leave a bitter residue. it makes us want to speak ill of love when there is nothing wrong with love itself. like there is nothing inherently wrong with much of the world–most errors lie in us…our being prone to demand, to construe, to taint something.
so i’m here being as i’ve come to realize two things. the second thing i’ve come to admit is that this whole love thing–maybe it’s not so bad after all. recently, two people i know, two beautiful people i know have found affection for each other in each other and having the privilege of watching them interact, hearing them speak about each other, it makes me feel aged. aged like what they’re feeling now is something that i can understand in memory. but watching them and injecting myself into their relationship via the friendship we share, it serves as a reminder of the joys of companionship.
and of course, there are memories of my best friend’s wedding i frequently revisit which offer me a view i haven’t had yet in any of my relationships. the view of looking at a man wait for me at the end of an aisle, with family and friends standing on both sides. spending time with her and her husband, it was a lesson in something. love? life? probably both. to know her so well, to know her when we were little girls and to watch her make decisions and taking him into consideration. watching her being changed for a man–but seeing the transformation in her, the whole “changing for a man” thing is not as negative as i’ve always assumed it would be. for her to be more together, to be more complete, and oddly enough, in a way…for her to be more of herself because of him. it was like looking at the whole thing with a tilt.
between my friends who’ve only just started dating, between my best friend who is now a married woman, between the one other relationship that makes me believe soul mates exist–i found myself thinking, i could want that. i could want the comfort of having someone there, all the time, anywhere, regardless. fights and differences aside, i see why it is that people are so afraid of being alone. why, perhaps, they err in choosing a person simply because they think it’d be better than having to eat dinner alone.
D and i often chat and while he tries to piece together the mind and leftovers of a woman he no longer understands, we find ourselves telling each other, ‘i’m lonely’. and yes, nights like this that are quiet, they seem like they’re made for love. to love. to share the peace, to share the music, to share a bed and to feel reassured by each others night time breathing. all that waits for me in my bed is a few tosses and turns before sleep captures me.
and even thinking and saying these things, in the forefront of my mind is the first thing i’ve come to realize in the year since: i really enjoy being single. there is a refreshing “i can do whatever i want” air to not being in a relationship. not that any boy or man i’ve dated have shackled me and stripped me of my freedom, but there’s a certain responsibility one signs up for when dating and it’s one that i am much happier without.
i love being able to fill up empty spots in my week with dates with friends. i love seeing someone here for lunch, another one for dinner, and there is a certain joy and amount to relaxation that only hanging out with girlfriends can deliver. i’m much more at peace where i’m by myself. i feel more confident, i feel better, oddly enough, i feel more secure. i feel like a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend. i came to really know this earlier today at work when someone asked me, “Ani, timro love-sov ko k hudai cha?”. What’s happening with me and love? To answer the question to the person asking, i had said nothing, nothing was happening.
but to really answer the question, perhaps i would be more honest in saying we’ve come to an understanding. that maybe love and all that it entails… maybe it’s not as bad as one could be led to believe, but even having said that, maybe also it’s not for me. at least not now anyways. and being able to say and believe both of these things, side by side, without contracting–it’s a relief.
because my experience from last year remains the same. the lesson of love, about love, that i learned from him hasn’t changed, for those lessons i owe him a thank you, but more than that, there is a bottomless well of gratitude for letting me learn these invaluable lessons and then letting me move on.
so then it’s not so bad it is? to go through the stress the trauma and the pain, oh the insufferable pain of loving someone to come out here. to the point where all that remains is a certain kindness. and kindness, it’s good. really good.