despite not having anything to say, (as confessed in a previous post,) i’m going to attempt to write anyways. a little writing exercise of sort, maybe if i can do this i can tackle other tasks (of much greater importance) that are looming over me.
these are some of the thoughts that I’ve been having:
1) I truly have the best friends in the world.
Those who are not in the same place as me have the gift of encouraging me and making me laugh even though we are thousands of miles away. Even though we are thousands of miles apart, the actual distance between us is not so great.
As for the friends who are around me, well, there’s no way of proving love than by coming to take care of me when I’m sick. Who else has friends that brings you water upon request and cooks masu-bhaat? Yeah, I didn’t think so. my friends are sooooooo better than yours.
2) It’s so hard keeping my life straight
there is great difficult is keeping things in line. things i can’t post on fb in fear of the wrong people discovering things, topics i cannot write about lest i cause pain to particular readers, stories i can’t share because they’re not my own. sometimes, it just feels like one big fucking lie layered upon other lies, because to me, if you’re withholding any part of the truth, you’ll telling a lie.
3) long distance is the worst thing a person can do to themselves
I (against my better judgement,) and Keta (against all signs of sanity) have decided to launch ourselves into a full fledged relationship. commitment, compromises, curses and all. till date i have discovered exactly ZERO perks in our current circumstance.
being away from friends is hard enough, always having a list of people i really miss sucks ass as it is, but also having to be away from the person who..well…who what?…who i can’t find the appropriate words to describe (oh wait, here we go:…the person who leaves me utterly speechless! BAM!) is punishment. pure evil torture.
the most terrible part of this is the knowledge that the only thing WORSE than doing the distance thing would be to not have him be mine. well there’s a bitch of a catch-22 for ya’. life: 72992893, me: -99
4) today i realized that i have made no progress or developments as a human being for years
my maturity level is still shockingly infantile (WHY are poop jokes STILL so funny?!!!). any confusions i had about the world, about life, about love, about religion, about problems, about ANYTHING have not come one iota closer to resolving themselves. all questions have multiplied themselves into even more questions. i have made no progress in moving forward with my life. i still make the same mistakes. any illusions i had about writing a book have persevered and remain illusions. i have not obtained any stronger financial security.
my parents still think i’m 4-years-old, despite me having moved out and making steps towards pretending to be an actual adult. but that’s their fault, i’ve accepted that they will continue to think i am 4 regardless of my age or position in life. although my current position in life is…well.. yeah.
am i a better person now than i was last year? or the year before? or three years ago?
nope. i am just the same, and because i’m the same i’m also going to let myself believe that this isn’t a bad thing…(you don’t get to judge me).
5) I have been mulling and brooding for goodness knows what reasons for i have no idea how long (i seriously have no sense of time)
in the midst of my wallowing (which most unfortunately often takes the form of heavy and serious procrastination) i realized my soul craved poetry. i have been missing the fire of words that ignite a revolution in my soul.
i have been missing literature that moves me to boughts of such intense emotion that i make facebook statuses out of my favorite lines (oh yeah, i am a woman of ACTION dammit!)
6) i made the above realization today and the universe responded by digging up a poem written years ago, for me! oooooh maaai gaaaaat, someone wrote poetry for ME, also, screw any biases i might have, but i say the poem is pretty fucking good, so fucking good that i’m going to post is here for the world (or whoever 3 people still read this hopeless blog) to see:
Credit for higher good
Funny how sometimes words turn time.
It’s a feeling, that years have gone by within a few electric conversations.
Like that fox in the story for old children, I was tamed.
Tamed, by Credit for higher good.
This is my song for her, who walks in the rooftop of the world,
who carries gift from the North on her shoulder.
Nearly blind I was in seeing only one, when suns of thousand stories rose behind her.
During dinner of small meals, brought in from different land to a foreign city,
I was fortuned to catch a sense of those, which were untold.
This is my song for her, who owns the inner features I always search,
and find from surprising paths.
Her love for words gave birth to images of strong feelings,
which I envy and often dream about.
Her beauty is perhaps a mystery for some, but never for me.
This is my song for her, whose laughter was tone of the sun rays heard.
And sadness is felt when that sound, I remember no more.
This I sing for her, who embodied life unexpected,
meaning of adventures, magic of the tides
and familiarity of the unknown.
This is my song for her.
This is my song for her.
This is my song
7) i am actually embarrassed by the high praises in that poem, but if a person wants to be so terrifically disillusioned with me…well…who am i to let them think otherwise right?….riiiiiiight?.
8) i’m going to go ahead and declare this writing exercise a success. i am even tempted to give myself the small goal of writing something FANTASTIC everyday this week…but i probably wouldn’t be able to stick to it..not for lack of will power, it’s obviously because my life is so fast paced and exciting like you wouldn’t believe…and i can’t write here about how my life is actually one big fucking adventure. hah.