i have spent the better part of this week in a state of confusion that borders on panic. life has never seemed so uncertain. i have never felt so unsure of myself. it’s been difficult for me to distinguish days. i couldn’t tell you what happened when, when i wrote what, what i wore on a certain days. days blend. weeks blend. i feel like time is running ahead of me, only turning around to spit in my face.

there was a time when i was so determined to find my purpose and then to live it to the fullest. there was a time when i could always feel God’s hand in mine. there was a time when i knew i’d always be okay, no matter what, i’d be okay. there was a time when God, life, the universe all offered me reassurance. but that’s not the case anymore. i have moments where i cannot breath and in a restless frenzy i don’t even know what to do to calm myself.

i’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out what it is that gives me joy. pure joy. the type of joy that lasts longer than a conversation, then a session with friends, then an episode of my favorite show. i’ve been searching for joy that lasts beyond the last word of a poem, the last note of a song. and i just don’t know.

i don’t know what motivates me, i don’t know what i really truly believe in. i don’t know where to get courage from. i don’t know how to make things better for myself, or for others.

i don’t know where to go or what to do, i have no clue what to choose, what to walk to or what to run away from. i feel trapped in an infinity of space, and i am suffocated by paradoxes. i am fighting and fighting and fighting, only to find that i keep losing. i don’t even know what i’m fighting for. i don’t even know what i’m fighting against.

these damn paradoxes. these damn paradoxes give me peace. at one point i came to the understand that accepting paradoxes makes for easier living. that seemingly conflicting forces could be side by side and somehow maintain balance. i don’t even know how to begin explaining myself.

i am sick of blogging. i am sick of vomiting thoughts and ideas, i’m sick of trying to convince myself of things through words i spill out from a courage i fake. i am so sick of the honesty that i push myself to put out here. and for what i don’t know. for friends? for strangers? for previous lovers? it doesn’t seem to be just for myself, anyone, or anything anymore.

i wish i had a cure, then there would be incentive, there would be direction. there would be hope. but i can’t even pinpoint what the problem is. all i know is that i’m bouncing around in a bipolar state of existence. extremities will be the death of me, and my exhaustion leaves me raccoon-faced wishing for some fatality to find me.

there was a time when all this openness and possibilities felt so freeing.

1 comment
  1. Not sure if this is going to help. I had a very very bad breakup in 2008. I don’t know how next 3 years passed by, like you said, days blended.. it was like I had shut myself out so hard that the flow of time sort of didn’t matter, I felt stuck yet I felt horrified with stagnancy.

    I read somewhere, if you can feel love more deeply then you will feel the pain even deeper’… I don’t know you and won’t claim to understand what you are going through.. we all feel differently.. about things and situations..

    In those three years, I lived wishing that Iife would just stop. I didn’t want to die.. but I think I just wanted to not feel.. and I reached a place where I couldn’t feel for a long while.. and I think this was the most pathetic and sad part of my life till now…. I did things that only added to the hurt.. I was very much in the path of full fledge self destruction. I don’t claim that I loved truly or my love was so great that it devastated me when he left me.. I guess it is more about the time you spend, emotions you invested.. Also the fact that it was him I used to see myself growing old with..

    So what I would say is, make a strong net of friends and people who love you around you. Surround yourself with these people who can let you cry and cry whole night but won’t say \ I told you so.’ And get your self busy.. acknowledge every sort of feeling that comes to you.. be it bitter, sad anything.. don’t try to block anything.

    I don’t know you but I am sending you hugs. If we were friends, I would let you come to me and vomit everything, cry rivers..

    I love how you write.. please don’t stop writing.. I did and now I just can’t put my heart back into it..

    / Love and light

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