sleep is playing a cruel game with me and i, as always, am losing. each night there is a battle behind my eyelids as we race to dawn. to the sunlight. to the welcoming of a new day. when i sleep, my dreams still take me to unusual places but they offer no comfort, they offer no rest. and morning is even more unkind.
i awake with an exhaustion that is refreshed and that mostly only multiplies throughout the day.
last night, around 3:30am i felt the need to escape. so i went to the roof of my house and just sat there. so late at night it’s surprising how many lights were still on. intentional or forgotten by the residents of those homes, those lights made me feel less alone. like there are others that sleep steals from. i sat and was disappointed by the lack of stars. all that i could see over me was a low lit sky of grey. so grey it had a tinge of purple. i should have liked to see the stars then, to look into infinity, but the ceiling of clouds was a promise of rain, and about that, that i could not complain.
i sat there and realized i was left alone to my thoughts, again. more often than not, my head is a scary place. and i felt the intensity of my solitude. often i crave silence and my own space, but in that moment i would have appreciated company. i would have liked a chest to rest my head on. and if it had rained, i would have liked to dance with someone on the roof. we could have danced to the tinkle of rain, and we could have perked our ears to hear the frogs and night critters play the accompaniment.
but i was alone and it did not matter how bad i wanted someone to talk to.
moments like that, i miss him. it’s hard not to.
i sat there and thought…and thought…and i wish i could say i came up with answers to my confusions and uncertainties but the night time air offered me no such grace. eventually the mosquitoes got the better of me and the night air was a tad chilly so i returned to my bed to battle with sleep again.
it’s a silly fight to have. and it’s sad that we have to draw our arms again night after night. sometimes i dread the darkening of skies and the struggle to sleep. sometimes, i wonder if it’d help to have someone sleep next to me. as if it’s not enough that my mind in consumed by evil thoughts and negativism all day, it’s so disheartening that they’ve seeped into the night and that there’s no way i can escape. i can’t get away from myself. i can’t even sleep.
and if i can’t get away from me, it would be nice to have someone by my side. to give me energy when i’m weak, to help me through the worst of it. nothing makes it harder than knowing you’re fighting alone, and because you’ve gone through all of this before you know for sure…it’s going to be a very very very long war.