i’ve been in the mood to write today, but things weren’t writing themselves and for me, that’s really frustrating. so i opted to watch some shows. lately i’ve been watching Girls. it’s odd but i love it. it’s grown on me. i love the main character. i love that in the first episode she’s a rotund girl sitting in the bathtub, talking to her friend, eating a cupcake (makes me sad i have no bathtub, or cupcakes for that matter). i love that she’s slightly overweight and highly sexual. i love that she’s weird. she is so weird. she’s also a “writer” and in many episodes, she’s eating. 😀
i like the show because it’s about very average girls in their 20’s struggling with work, trying to pay rent, hanging out with friends, having life dramas, and just living. and of course, it makes me think about my own life since i too happen to be a 20-something surviving in a city with drama of my own (and inevitably, everything we see and experience we make about ourselves). i too have my life filled with friends and food. and boys. there’s a lot of boys (in the show, not in my life…i mean i have a lot of guy friends but not guys).
the show makes me want to be in a relationship. it makes me want to meet guys who are fun and whack and have their own issues and crazies. it makes me want the excitement of someone new. the thrill of firsts. the constant desire to be with them and to know more about them. i just kinda want to go on a date with dinner and wine. (sue me for wanting cliché things, i’ve only ever been on one real “date”.)
i want a boyfriend (not because i want sex or anything like that, right now i’m more asexual than an amoeba and if anyone tried to kiss me i think i’d throw up in their mouth) but i want a guy because i want someone who’ll make me breakfast for dinner because that’s what i’m in the mood for. i just want someone for the company. for the reassurance. for conversation. i want someone around for who they are. i think it’s sad that when people love they can be so selfish about it.
i had this boyfriend a lot time ago and out of curiosity i asked him why he “loved” me. the answers he gave were things like “because you make me feel good” “because you make me happy” “because you make me me me me me” and even though he was talking about me, his reasons had to do with himself. and that made me think less of his love. i was talking to S last night and telling her that when i miss my ex, it’s about him. i miss the way he smiled, the thoughts he had, the terrible jokes he’d tell. i miss his stories, i miss his smell, i miss the dimples on his lower back. i miss the way he liked his coffee, i miss the way he’d sorta close his eyes when searching for the right word, i miss his tidiness, his obsessesiveness, his mannerisms, the way he’d move his hands when talking. i miss the details of him. the way he’d hold his cigarette. the texture of his beard. the look he’d get when he was proud of a come back. the details that allow you to get to know someone. the details that add to the magic.
(of course i also miss him for what we had and what “we” were…but what existed between us was a direct result of who he is)
sadly, i think for most people once the initial curiosity of someone is over, the magic fades. an illusion is far less fascinating when you know the trick…and then they get bored of me. i’d like to be with someone who likes knowing everything about me…but also realizes that there’s always more to learn because i am constantly growing and changing. i want someone who loves me more because they know the good about me. and the bad. and i want someone who knows how fucking hilarious (and weird) i am on my best days.
last night, it was raining and i felt like dancing in the rain. so i went in the garden and did kung-fu moves and my signature chicken dance and then i twirled. i was wearing a swishy dress and as i spun, i could feel the dress lift (and i wondered if anyone could see my underwear but i was wearing awesome underwear so i didn’t care), i felt the rain in my hair and on my skin, and i jumped around while my friends stared…but i felt happy. i felt really happy. and it was a terrific break from the overwhelming moments of sadness that still grab a hold of me and keep me prisoner for a while. now that i think about it, i wish someone had come danced in the rain with me. a boyfriend might have done that.
it makes me want to go back to the place where people are mesmerized by me. i want to meet someone and have them think i’m weird, but beautiful…and interesting. i want them to learn the details of me. i want them to know that i have to walk on the left hand side. that i hate people looking at my toes. that leeches freak the shit out of me (but i like bugs). that i will eat literally anything except capsicums (these days i also want to give up meat again). i want someone to learn to love my crooked smile, the squish on my belly, and the texture of my thighs. and i want something to think it’s fucking awesome when i burp like a foghorn because it’s one of my many hidden talents. i want someone to eventually discover that i give fantastic back massages, that i will always laugh when someone farts, that cooking relaxes me, that the way to make everything better is to offer me good food. that nothing calms me down like rain, that i love wearing saris. i want someone who knows riding an ostrich is on my bucket list (as is walking on the edge of a volcano, and experiencing zero gravity), i want them to know the story about my turtle, i’d like him to know i love black and white photos but that not all photos should be colorless. i want them to learn about all my hurts and pains and fears…and still want me. and after they’ve learned all that, i want them to still think i’m weird, but beautiful…and interesting.
i want all that when i’m watching Girls. i want that because they have make-ups and break ups, because each character is good and bad (there are things you love and hate about each of them) and because they get into so many things for the story. i love doing things for the story. i watch Girls and i want all that. but when i leave the world of TV and return to what’s inside of me, i know that i still want him (and that’s sad because he’s probably glad to have me out of his grand adventerous life).
the weird thing is, i am attracted to everybody. literally. even my friends. especially my friends. all the guys i know and all the guys i have yet to meet, there is so much to discover about them. they have different hobbies and interests. they each have their quirks. they each have specific traits unique to who they are. and i love finding out what those things are. i love learning new things from them, i love learning them.
those little things exist in simple moments. a funny face someone makes. a highly witty joke. an odd but deeply philosophical comment in response to something mundane. each of these moments draws me closer to someone because they are indicators of who a person is. i’d like someone to feel that way about me, and always feel that way about me. it may be vain, but it’s honest, and deep down i bet it’s what all of us want.
and so i admit it here. that i am insecure but vain, i’m fanfuckingtastic and a mess…and it’s something i’d like someone to never forget.
i don’t want to let people take me for granted anymore.