alone but not lonely

earlier this week i went on a date with myself and it was so fulfilling. i think being alone in public is something most people fear and understandable so, but spending an entire afternoon/evening with only me for company was so refreshing. i feel like it’s the kind of thing my sister would call me “brave” for doing, but that word seems so ill fitted.

we all have our days where we want to be alone, and usually, we accomplish our need for solitude by spending a day at home. but home and my room can often be beautiful confines and for some reason, i wanted to be in the city and without a soul to talk to.

i went and had coffee by myself. i had dinner by myself. i went to the movies by myself. and i went home, alone.

i cannot really explain why it did my soul a world of good. i’ve been around people and my friends so much lately, which i love, but a friend pointed out that i was trying to explain myself and my need for alone-time. it appears my friends don’t really understand that i am an introvert at heart. i love being around people but constantly having people around me drains me, and then i start to feel lonely in the midst of a crowd. but how is that something you tell someone you see practically every day? i felt like my friend thought i was making excuses, and it made me feel highly misunderstood.

also, when i’m around friends i always feel the need to entertain. i don’t know why. i guess i am as human in that way and i like to act like all in well in my world. so i make jokes. i tell stories. i get people to dance. i love doing it. i love being the life of the party, i love love love making people laugh. i love knowing people had a great night and that i had something to do with it.

but when you’re using to being that person in a social setting, it becomes difficult…impossible even…to be quite. to be still. to be silent. and to still be present.

and so, there’s the city to explore.

without anyone with me, it’s a totally new experience. i took the time to sip my coffee and read a book. i ate my dinner slow and with relish and watched couples and friends dining nearby. i sat between two groups of friends during the movie and still laughed just as loud as i would have had my own friends been there to accompany me.

at points it was temping to text someone and tell them to join me, but being on my own felt so delicious. like i was breaking some social code and i didn’t care. i thought the worst would be buying the movie ticket, but the guy at the counter asked me how many tickets i wanted…i said one, and it was a pain-free transaction. over dinner the guy i got my drink from asked me if i was sitting alone, i said yes and was happy about how it didn’t bother me at all. how i was happy to have that be the end of the conversation. there was no need for an explanation, i just didn’t feel like giving one.

there’s such a difference when you’re alone somewhere by choice. i don’t know it’s something everyone could enjoy, probably not, but it was an experience that made me feel more confident. that made me feel better about myself. i hope i find the time to do it again.

small victories.

1 comment
  1. Anonymous said:

    Its good if you didn’t do it by force or prove yourself. Enjoy

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