when its over


it’s like that cousin you’re not fond of who is always over. the friend you can only take in small doses. that lover who doesn’t know how to love you. it’s that relationship you just can’t get away from, no matter what you do.

overactive when you should be asleep. keeping your mind awake, keeping your heart numb, keeping you in their hold. to rob you of your rightful sleep. to toy with you.  lulling you into restless tossing and turning, taunting you with fragments of dreams. denying you the rest, the escape, that you so desperately need. somehow, the night passes. it always does.

and in the morning. you rouse with the heavy arm of an over-protective lover already suffocating your day. you’re tired. baby, you need rest. the simple weight of their presence, their warped understanding is already too much to bear. okay. you say. i’ll stay for 5 more minutes. you haven’t it in you to fight it.

and those 5 minutes, they turn into hours. those very hours where you should be developing your life’s work. where you should be with people who are the light of your life. those hours where you go out into the world and live. don’t worry about it. that voice whispers. there’s tomorrow. stay in, you deserve it. and you find yourself agreeing.

but while you lie there, alone, unfed, and so alone except for that constant companion…you spiral into guilt. into such deep guilt. to-do lists that never get done. to-do lists that grow. meetings that are missed. excuses that are fabricated. truths that are skewed. i’m fine. i’m fine. i’m fine. but you can’t silence it, you then turn to that voice, as dark as it is, it is a voice of comfort. shhhhh. it says. let go. you’re tired. sleep now and dream those worries away. sleep. sleep. sleep some more.

but you emerge from that sleep more tired than before. why you keep allowing yourself to be fooled, why you permit yourself to be tricked, it is weakness. it is being so weary. it is having your nights and day confused. having your mind is a constant state of unrest. it’s being unable to see people. to face the world. it’s the growing desire to never wake. it’s watching your life be wasted.

it’s okay. take the day for yourself. you don’t have to answer to anyone. it’s just one day. i’m here, always. i love you, always. 

and those hours, they turn into days. and into weeks. leaving you longing longing oh so aching and longing for these brutal months to be over. like the winter of my soul. so cold. so lifeless. perpetual darkness.  it vists, like winter, every year.  like winter, it feels like.it.will.never.end.

it’s like that cousin who doesn’t know it’s well past time to leave. the friend who you keep seeing out of a misplaced sense of duty. that lover who doesn’t know the best way to love you is to let you go. it’s that relationship you just can’t get away from, no matter what you do.  that consumes your energy, your mind, your diet, your health. that takes up all of you. for all you are, for all you could have been.

when it passes,  you think it’s over, but when is it over if it always comes back? that uninvited guest who never leaves.

 

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