this again

there are many topics i hesitate to write about these days. topics that are cliche, overdone, over-said, trivial, and in the end result in a pile of meaningless words. how tragic for words to be used and to amount to so little. so i’ve been avoiding it, i suppose. or that’s one (of countless) reasons i’ve given myself for why i don’t write anymore.

maybe i’m just lazy. maybe i’m not inspired. maybe i need to start somewhere.

this is somewhere. even if that place is here…again…at heartbreak.

there’s an old familiar to this. the knowledge of having been here already. the understanding of how things go. a few years ago i wouldn’t have believed heartbreak could be so…routine…and yet, there is a pattern: the period of daily crying, the weight in my heart that leaves me drowning, the determination to look damn-fine (who says you can’t be heartbroken AND hot?), and then again wanting to hide from the world, the faking of being glad to be single, acceptance, anger at love with an expiration date, rebounding, the hurt of unfulfilled promises, the pain that persists…and through all these phases, the miracle of recovery.

perhaps in some way i’ve wised up with each relationship, even if it’s only to grow in knowing that i will be okay. that love, well, it doesn’t work out the way you want it to, but that doesn’t make the love you shared a waste. i’ll be fine, i know i will. in some ways, having done this several times i can skip phases and heal quicker maybe. or maybe certain disappointments grow deeper. or maybe there’s less room to give a shit.

in any case, here i am, this again. so so weary.  i’m at the point where i’m making conscious decisions: no i will not let him take me for granted. no i will not cry anymore. no, i will not choose to harbor anger. no, i will not choose bitterness. i will choose better things.once again, i will be better than all of this.maybe i’ll just choose to laugh it all off. there is much that is laughable about I will permit a little leniency on topics i consider worthy of publishing. as it is, not many readers come by here anymore which is just as well, this is my little space. here, in words (dashed with a sprinkle of tears) i’ll find my peace, i’ll find my place. i’ll get over him, just like always.


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