1) it had been a while since we’d seen each other. your hair is different but you still avert your eyes. i noticed. i wonder about the familiarity that still exists between us, it’s probably what makes things awkward.
i wish it wasn’t awkward. i hope you are well, i hope you are happy.
2) at the height of traffic hour seats are impossible to find, standing room is scarce. under times like these i have witnessed countless little spats. passive aggressive jabs. rolling of the eyes. tsking tsking tsking. sometimes i’ve been involved. but on certain days the same situation turns strangest in cramped spaces into comrades. the other day i watched a man sit on the lap of a man he did not know. i watched the lap put an arm around the sitter. they smiled at each other, they smiled at me, i smiled in return and wondered about how comfortable they were. on the same ride at the same time, a fourth woman chuckled and sat her way into where three were already seated in the space for two. we nodded in empathy and scooted to give her as much space as possible.
i have yet to discover what causes the divide between camaraderie and anger. whatever it is, i think i will marvel on it forever.
3) as my best friend once said, dreams are just there to fuck with your mind. i would have to agree as i remember the anger my sleep couldn’t erase. as i re-experienced the hurt and humiliation. as i caressed a face and then found my fingers tighten on a neck. i wonder what we are capable of. in the same dream, death threatened the security of my decisions and i woke up with nausea and confusion. it’s just a dream. it’s just a dream. it’s just a dream. but the emotions…they are real.
4) i wrote about stillness, but i am also in awe of movement. sometimes i stand on the side of a street, maybe i’m waiting for a bus, maybe i’m just standing. i like to watch life as it happens around me. these people. so many people. when there is a crowd i often find a line lingering in my head-all the lonely people, where do they all come from. maybe we all come from the same place. maybe they come from where i am. i watch these faces blend, i can’t always distinguish features. i watch women tiptoe their scooty into stopping. i watch men mount their motorbikes. i watch mothers haggle for change while keeping an eye on a child with a tendency to wander. i watch stranger after stranger call out a destination on a vehicle that zooms by.
but most interesting of all, i see the watchers. the shopkeepers. those with the time to sip tea. they watch the comings and going, the chaos and frenzy. they witness movement in various speeds. i wonder, where in their life going?
i wonder, how many times have i passed the same face without knowing. how many faces do i scan for only one time. of the millions who occupy and move through this city, with how many does a life intersect. how many am i connected to. how many are moving with each other, moved by each over, move together. i do not know. i do not know if i know this city.
5) sometimes i feel this hollow hunger. this gnawing isn’t satisfied with momos and chicken chilly, daal-bhaat doesn’t do it either, and burgers or pizzas feel like submitting to defeat.
i don’t know on what i want to feed.