mellowed and glazed into the quiet of the night, i have time to think. time to wait. 25 minutes he said. i have time to kill. youtube won’t let me play music and vidoes, i think maybe i’ll write.
there was that prompt, about all the balls i’m picking up. piece by piece. the core of my life. everything that fell to the side when you know, i get into those phases. the depressive state.
family – that’s a hard one. the role of daughter and sister is complex. the balance of power figures, strong characters, different thoughts. trying to weave through this, into the drama of relatives, into the issues of those i am forced compassion on. but they are family. and i love them. and i hate to cause them hurt.
friends – there are some relationships which are easier to carry than others. the ones we are eased into. the patterns and nuances. the effortlessness and comfort. those, rare, rare cases of finding someone of the same tribe. and then there is knowing the ones to let go of, for a time maybe, but let go of none the less. that one is a hard act to keep around.
work – this one is especially difficult. the vile necessity of money to maintain the source of biggest joys. for my escape and freedom, i must pay rent, i must pay utilities, i must pay food, and work is difficult when there is no joy and much burden. a dulled mind is a dreary thing, we are slaves to the things we love and anything that separates us from our passion is despicable.
hobbies – when the good shines through there is room for creativity. a few minutes with a pen in hand. a phase jotted down to be forgotten but maybe recovered and used later. to turn a space into a home. to take the time to linger over words. to construct them in my head. there are such little thrills and big pleasures in these activities. but they too require a balancing act of their own.
peace – in the midst of all these thoughts, i find i am in constant search of peace. not happiness. not contentedness. peace. i am in want of still and quiet, of balance and serenity. of being together and so very calm. this state of mind is hypnotic and addictive. i want it to be permanent.
the big questions – i dare not even list them. but the pursuit continues. seeking texts, craving dialogue, wishing for exposure. everyday the questions multiple and my ignorance grows. i am truly, foully, intoxicated by it. don’t ask. i know it’s abstract. but there is something that can be figured out, it feels so close. i’ll keep looking for it forever.
that other life – across the bridge i take off the comfort of my space and put on the cloak i have inherited. on that side of town i am so-and-so’s daughter. there i am wary of strangers who could turn into sources of rumors. there i am conscious of appearance. there i play into the other. the other version of myself. the one more acceptable to the lines of my societies. for them, you know, because i don’t want them to, but they matter.
the future – the most tantalizing ball of course is the unforeseeable future. there in the distant yet-to-be are my worries, anxieties, fears, and nightmares. there is the constant looming darkness that inches closer year after year. it seeps dread into age. it festers into regret. i do not want any of these.
the less distant future – at the same time, the storm is abated by snippets of possibilities. new travels. new experiences. new people. new thoughts. i am so easily seduced by the want of learning. i still struggle to keep it all going.
this list….is growing longer. and i am weary of just how far it could get. for now, these is where i let my thoughts rest. there are the matters of my heart that manifest into the experiences of all that i am. it’s a daunting list but a good list all the same.
don’t mind my madness. i think it’s been just over 25 minutes.