the state despairs

i struggle to write about Nepal like i used to years ago. the country has changed, i have changed, and the way i see the nation has changed.

as i step onto the streets of a city i’ve come to know so well, i am confused. dashain draws near but the air doesn’t feel festive, it feels abandoned. a strange ghost town void of the same buzz and activity. are there more people on the streets than usual? for some reason it’s hard to tell.

i walk by discarded bits of paper where a marker scrawl reads “#backoffindia”. near by a larger than usual group of the armed police stand about. my ears notice the absence of anticipated traffic. the roads aren’t quiet empty but they lack numbers. i wonder how many across the city have taken to walking, how many yet decided to stay home. a seat is much coveted should you be able to find transport.

i read somewhere we are about a week away from running out of fuel. the airport won’t refuel international flights anymore. it’s hard to understand this as reality. we are a failed state. we are a state that despairs.

i cannot understand the reasons. how can a nation like India deny the blockade? while the riots continue, while the capital is running dry. how can they said they’re not doing it when the evidence of it is so plenty. i am astounded. how can one person deny the equal value of another? isn’t it outdated to price by skin tone? why do i still have to defend my existence as a female? my validity for equality? aren’t i more than breasts to look at, a vagina to penetrate, and a womb to create life? i tire of this.

the repeated ignorance, the inability for us to learn as a group of people frustrates me. the powerlessness we feel. the absence of meaning in our nationality. lately i’ve been understanding my love for this place. a love that grows and accepts. that becomes more patience, more invested. even then, i cannot understand how we can want land more than acknowledging equality. how do the concepts of borders tear us apart. how do we, tear ourselves from the inside for being different? how are we still this foolish?

what can we do to help. how can i help myself. how can i help others. solutions are not easy. they will not come quick enough. the more i look into this, the more questions i have, the more frustration. aren’t we all ready for peace?

the longer i wait, the more i despair.


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