Balls balls balls. balla’. bullocks. a list. bullshit. does it come down to a list. identifying all that i am. all that i want. all that i am willing to take on.
the other things, smaller things maybe. what other things do i care to take the time to note. to ponder over. what were the things i didn’t put on the first list.
relationships – i struggle with relationships. as i come into more of my own. more of my thoughts. more of my self. i struggle to find the right space for relationships. the romantic kind. maybe i don’t understand them anymore. maybe i never did. maybe i understand it differently. i no longer want the things i used to. i no longer have the same expectations. love is a strange thing. strange when you have it. strange when you don’t. you learn something each time though. love renders words meaningless. ‘i love you’ has lost it’s potency. it’s not as hard as i thought it would be, to love less. to pick up a pinch of indifference. i am open to other things.
food – i pity those who eat for fuel. to deny yourself the pleasure of flavor and texture. smells and tastes. at the same time, i have a odd relationship with food. gluttonous and unapologetic on occasion. deprivation and hunger other times. it’s a battle of tongue verses body. ‘you’ve put on weight’ a friend tells me, i am not offended, not even when it is suggested i should work out. i miss being inspired in the kitchen. ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ someone vaguely famous said. i think that’s bullshit.
body – which brings me to the way i carry my body. perfect i am not, but i love my body. i do. i love my breasts, the expanse of my thighs, the flow of my belly, the proportion of my legs. even with the extra kgs in places that don’t flatter, i feel beautiful. i find it odd when some tell me otherwise. my beauty is not based on the visibility of a double chin or the size of my ass. i feel beautiful in a way beyond make up, flawless skin, and a 36-28-36 figure, doesn’t anyone see it?
time – i feel like my ability to grasp, understand, and measure time is more warped than usual. the days merge. i can’t tell apart weeks or months. everything is momentary but some moments last forever. i struggle to calculate by calendars, i experience time in a blur. it’s hard to allocate time when it’s impossible to compute. how you remember time changes your memories and the experiences had. things that feel distant are easier to accept. to sentimentalize. the things i want seem further away than they are. it’s hard to keep track of, so i don’t bother.
new people – i like new people. i like new conversations. new thoughts. new jokes. new insights. i enjoy finding individuals who give me new things to explore. without new people, after a while, everyone starts to echo each other. there’s limited progress in that. i am surprised to find myself in new friendships. in new confidence. in newness that feels fresh. it’s just a little shy of inspiring.
motivation – there are things i want to do. things that need to get done. and yet it’s hard to find the motivation. to find the push to get going. to take the first few steps before settling into a pace. the pace of life. it’s hard to find, others move differently. i don’t feel the same rush. i lack the same urgency.
playing house – someone said ikea is a an adult’s doll house. i think my life is a dollhouse, but i’m growing into playing adult. the simple tasks that one wouldn’t notice if one wasn’t responsible. making sure there’s drinking water. not running out of toilet paper, or toothpaste. buying a new broom once in a while. restocking on dish soap, and oil. tiny threads that keep things together. keep me going. necessities without any doubt, but enjoyable too. the satisfaction of going to bed knowing the house is clean. coming home to a tidy room. knowing this is my space, it’s not grand, it’s not special, but it’s cozy and it’s mine. i am in want of nothing else.
changes – change is the only constant. i appreciate change. i crave it. i ache for it. nothing weighs me down like stagnancy. i don’t know that i am in motion as much as i am shifted by the movement of others around me. i am watching the lives of many transition. i am seeing a different landscape on their horizon. i am affected, but i am still only here. soon, soon, very very soon, i too need to prepare for changes of my own. it’s time to move ahead i think. i think i’m ready. i hope i am. we’ll see. one way or another, we’ll keep going.