i’ve been prioritizing things differently recently. i’m not as drawn to commitment, obligations, responsibilities. which isn’t to say i’ve thrown caution and adulthood to the wind, i’m just focusing on some other matters which i’ve summed into three categories: health, happiness, and healing.
by this, a lot of it is mental health. for the last year, i’ve been seeing a therapist. and i am so fortunate to have found a therapist who is terrific. being a willing member of this process has been filled with wonders and discoveries. learning about myself has been difficult but (as cliche as this sounds) it’s rewarding. i have benefited from this, i hope i’ve become a better person, i hope others can be better because of me. and all of this is possible if i’m healthy, mentally.
i’m also happy to be healthy physically! through some unknown magical mystery, i’ve recently lost weight. (a person theorized maybe it was emotional baggage i’ve shed, i could agree.)but for whatever reason i also want to eat better. i just want vegetables and fruit and fresh yum things. i treat myself to what’s good, to what’s nourishing, what is fulfilling.
i feel healthy and fit, i feel up for things. i look better and i’m feeling pretty sexy. i’m out and about exploring. i’m reading. my mind feels warmed up and energetic. and all of this leads to…
seems silly, so entitled, so selfish. to pursue my own happiness. but it’s harder than i thought. to give into myself so much. to ask myself what it is i want. and then to ask for that. to make it happen. to move toward my desires.
a lot of this is moving toward good things. surrounding myself with good people. finding myself in good company. trying new things. having experiences a plenty. a day gone without learning anything is a day wasted. these are the things that make me happy.
i allow myself a lazy day. i allow myself book, coffee, dessert. i allow myself all these pleasures big and small. it is good to feel so happy. to feel like i can smile through anything, even the hurtful bits which persist. maybe when i’m happy, it moves to others too. i’d like to think i’m responsible for a few smiles out there, a few laughs, a few good memories.
while allowing myself health and happiness, what i’m doing is allowing myself an incredible healing. although always ever aware of scars and sores, there were many things i wasn’t addressing. this past year has been one of so many confrontations. a majority of them with myself. it has been painful. and it has been enlightening. to allow myself to move away from things that cause me pain. discomfort. insecurities. to know i don’t need to accept certain things. i am worthy of better. much better. i am deserving.
it is healing to allow myself a confidence that borders on vanity. to laugh as much as i want, as loud as i want. laughter is the best thing. when do you ever feel better than when you’re laughing, and laughing, and laughing? it’s a high that warms everything. that leads to balance and calm.
and so, i am finding the road to a slow recovery.