these goodbyes

yesterday i found myself in a teary state. every now and then i remember the farewells that await me and immediately my stomach sinks and a dampness take to my eyes.

how many times i have done my hellos and goodbyes i wouldn’t know. i must have lost count so many years ago. and yet in having done this time and time again, my heart does not seem to have found a way to endure this with any more ease.

often the biggest joy i am able to feel is in reunions. when friends apart for years are in my arms and we can share tears of sheer joy, of being in the company of each other again. to catch up, to laugh, to find ourselves connecting and loving each other like we have always done. for those moments i am in a constant period of waiting.

i am permanently always away from someone i desperately love. and just when i think it’s all okay, i’m thrown back into this emotional state. in recent months i found myself blessed to be with those from a very different part of my life. regardless of the roads we took, our connection remained unchanged and it takes seeing people again to realize just how much you’re missing when you’re not with them.

my heart and my head have yet to recover from the brutal separation of time and continents and i find myself having to prepare for two farewells, both of which i espeically dread.

soon, i’ll say another “see you later” to someone who has been my anchor and my compass although i rarely give due credit. how does one capture the nuances of siblinghood? the brutality with which we can hurt each other, and the ease with which we can forgive. the secrets we know and the secrets we share. the experiences which are uniquely both ours. to find myself away from this has become more normal than being in the same place. somehow i find myself more of a child in this case as opposed to growing older and wiser. i am not looking forward to this.

and then, only a week after, i dread to think of what all it will be that i feel. a deep sadness over having to see off someone who has amazed me every single day. it will not be easy to let go of such a beautiful soul–the kind that we’re not willing to believe in anymore as we grow older and more cynical. and yet, someone i dared not piece together in my dreams or imagination has been a very real part of me and my life for the better portion of this year.

knowing you’ll have to say goodbye doesn’t make it any easier or any harder. wanting to avoid the aches and pains doesn’t make it any less real. doesn’t make it any better. the only comfort i know is knowing that for these select few, it’s undoubtedly worth it. for all the tears i know i will cry, i wouldn’t change a thing. not with her, and most certainly not with him. this is what love is.

1 comment
  1. sthapa said:

    i love how you put it here, and how you phrased it earlier as we made our way to your place. i love you very much.

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