my mistress


i have a mistress i try to leave but cannot seem to find a way away from. this mistress lies in wait, she sits in stillness and allows herself to seep into me. by morn and by wakeful nights, her whispers are in my ear and her thoughts descend onto mine.

and when this mistress succeeds in getting my attention, she asks not only for all my attention but she asks for everything. her demands permeate my being, body and soul. she takes from my relationships and i watch as people come and go. she takes from my love–they tire and grow weary,  she takes from my family who don’t know how to help me, and she takes away the love i have for myself.

this tricky mistress disintegrates all my notions of knowing. she takes from my mind, she takes from my gut, she takes from my heart. with all she takes away, she leaves more trouble and chaos and piece by piece this puzzle turns into a dizzying mystery i am not equipped to solve.

how can this entity so thoroughly detract and subtract meaning from all i do, all i know, all i am. how is it that doubt so skillfully lulls me into a fog where time doesn’t exist, days are nothing that lose themselves into weeks and then the unknown collective of months and years. i have grown with this mistress of doubt, i have grown weak and tired. i have grown to mistrust myself, and to place even less trust in others. i have grown into anger, rage, and disgust…but only at myself.

i wonder why she won’t leave, i wonder and i fear it’s because she is all too much a part of  me. i dread her staying because she is me, and i am but the culmination of doubt and an un-tethering layered under masks and lies. masks and lies. masks and lies.

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