I’ve been told I think too much by people who barely know me – and they’re absolutely right. But those who do have the fortune (or misfortune) of knowing me more often tell me that I worry too much – which is also true. Tonight of instance, I allowed myself to indulge in a “OMG WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR FUTURE” unnecessary stress-out (one level lower than “freak out”) session with the Man. The poor poor poor Man and the things he has to put up with.
Anyways, there were a few major points where I put on my ‘adult’ voice and feigned confidence saying, “but baby…” which are as follows:
1) WE HAVE NO MONEY – this is actually my argument that came up the most which I thought was quite a good one seeing as money is kinda of a big deal in upcoming life events: wedding, marriage, accommodation, bills, food, children, building a house, education for said children and so on….
So here I am freaking out about the fact that I have zero savings, my job doesn’t pay well, the only way of having a high paying job in Nepal is to join an NGO/INGO and I REALLLLLY don’t want to do that and I was stressed out wondering how the hell us two goofy people are to blend into the world of adulthood and responsibility and what does my blessed grumpy old man do? He makes me laugh.
And he made sense.
With simple things like “We’ll make do with what we have.” “Let’s work on step 1…. why are you worrying about step 13?” “Okay, you can start putting money in your pillow.” So, I’ve decided that he can be my financial planner, and we’ve decided to live simple and be happier for it.
2) Nepal is starting to get to me and the idea of building a life and a future here makes me panic ever so slightly. Where I am in terms of my work is pretty good for this point in my life, but the future high-potential-to-freak-out reality of this is: I don’t see much hope long-term. Nepal is so small and everything here pays crap (dammit… I read to re-read point 1) and “moving up” here is difficult because the options of places are few and of the few options, none are exceptionally appealing to me. The career dilemma.
Beyond that, the idea of living in a congested city with a lack of water, lack of electricity, not as-fast-internet, terrible roads, pollution that is giving me smokers lungs, and the fact that it is getting more and more expensive EVERY DAY … is… depressing. Just thinking about rearing a family and rooting myself here weighs me down and I’ve been living here for two years.
Another thing that bothers me to no degree about Nepal is the embarrassing lack of professionalism. I work at a top national daily and even at a place with such a grand reputation, how people are soooooo petty and how they BITCH and are unable to solve minor conflicts makes me feel like we’re in an adult sand box trying so shove each other off instead of building a sand castle together. (Also, sometimes I think people are taking a piss on my sand castle and trying to tell me they’re adding water to help. I AM NOT BUYING THAT SHIT (that piss?). )It’s realllly fucking difficult to work here, and the terrible part is… it doesn’t matter where I go, there will always be “that person” – the one I can’t stand, the one who tries my patience, the one who makes me want to be a part of the Mean Girls trio.
And again, my Man in all his infinite wisdom (which is also a lot of his bullshit) reminds me that it’s tough everywhere, that the dickasswipeihate title will just change names and faces but be where ever I go. He reminds me that we don’t have to “make something” of ourselves, and that it doesn’t matter if we’re not as “successful” compared to our siblings (who btw are going to be rather accomplished people). My Man tells me softly and with love, that he spent ten years in America and he’s been back for three and that yes, shit here stinks sometimes… but shit smells everywhere. And as far as careers or work goes…. my skills set doesn’t change based on where I am, so what I’ve got here is what I’ve got everywhere… and regardless of country or continent.. it still doesn’t amount to too much.Yikes.
BUT IT’S OKAY he says… and I’m going to choose to believe him because the alternative (not believing him) doesn’t abide with the “be optimistic” thing I’m trying to give a go.
3) I don’t like children and I’m not sure I want them… but they seem like a sort of inevitability to me. I just don’t like them… I wonder if I’m missing an essential “woman” gene or something but nothing about screaming, crying, pooping, attention demanding miniature adults makes me want a swollen belly. To me, having children is the end of my life. Yes, this is selfish, I am well aware of it. But as far as I’ve seen, when you have kids, you don’t own your life-your child does. Everything you do ends up being about them – your time, your money (and time is money so they say), your effort, your worries, your love… all of it sucked up by beings who you’re obligated to (cue dramatic intense music) for the rest of your life.
To this my Man says, “If you don’t want kids… that’s okay, we’ll just adopt.” I still need to work on explaining how not coming out of my vagina but still being responsible for bringing up into a balanced somewhat functional human is still “having kids.”
The thing is, I still count them in my future, but I think that’s something that’s been instilled in me. I wonder if that’s because “Wed and use thy large hips for bearing children” has somehow been doctrined into me thanks to society and the way history has played out… but I don’t think the desire for offspring is something that wells inside of me.
So far the ONLY reason I can think of why I’d want kids is so I can use “Because I said so” as a legit reason to get them to do what I want… but something tells me that isn’t a good reason to bring life into this already over-populated world.
SOOOOOO… all that to say, I’m super worried about my future. I’m scared of being an adult and I’m pretty much terrified of LIFE and I could worry myself into wrinkles. BUUUUUT, I am so happy to have people who are not me who speak softly over the phone, comforting me and telling me they love me. I’m especially glad that I have someone who can say, “If you’re this worried or afraid now, you’ll always be afraid,” and that’s no way to live. It’s not the way I want to live.
Which leaves me with a list (oh you know how much I love lists!) of things to work on:
1) Balance balance balance
2) Being here now and REALLY taking things one day at a time (trying to plan and live 20 years in advance isn’t proving to be very productive)
3) Saving money a little bit at a time
4) Not thinking/worrying so much about the future so I can appreciate the present
5) And lastly, the easiest thing on my list: Love him love him love him love him love him and then love him some more.