darling you smile in stride across sparkly sidewalks
that glimmer with diamond dust
i can hear the sunshine in your voice
so far away

i see you’ve dusted off my city breeze
i’ve seen your face grimace across potholes
your agitation grow over bumpy roads
your distain of rain sprinkling your side
you don’t like squish in your shoes
you don’t like muddy feet

but where your diamonds lay scattered
where your sidewalks lay paved and even
my roads
my streets
they shimmer in rain
the catch and toss light
these sides walk into roads
and my feet they have different woes
dipped into pools of summer waters

you don’t see cuz you don’t look,
but baby
cracked concrete shines like you can’t imagine
and the crumbling aphaslt that frustrates you so
break into dirt paths
that leads me home

i’m okay with taking these walks alone

and in one swoop they fell away. in unplanned chunks, like amputations. over what seems like days there is a distance that grows between doors, between texts, between what used to be and what is.

either ways, in the end, everything is always okay. even when alone, everything is just…a four-lettered word. Even if the letters spell out f-i-n-e.

(i rather they stayed.)

your absence is ever present
in the space you’ve left behind
and the nooks that you keep still,
and should the room not revert
into solace for one…it’ll grow
into the desire for you
to come back home.

20140729-224533-81933947.jpg

 Only time will shed some light.

 

Sometimes, the best you can do is barely get by. You only just survive. And during times like these, my life force, my saving grace, comes in the form of many a vice.

With a hurting heart, a confused mind, and a weary soul, I look to numb myself in five ways (or more).

One: In drink I find the bottom of many a bottle. Wine or beer, hell any glass blend will do, but I’ll only drink if there are friends to drink with me too.

Two: What better way to distract the heart but by altering the mind. From haze to haze, I can unravel, rest, and unwind.

Three: In times of need, as many friends as possible will do. And with gaps of silence throughout the day I’ll reach out to those far away and just write to say, ‘hey, i’m thinking of you’

Four: In misery an empty belly will not do, and that vastness in my heart, I’ll attempt to fill with food.

Five: As day slips into night, and the escape of sleep is still so far away, I’ll tune out to imagines in color, light, and sound. In film and in documentary, I’ll learn myself into a new world, even if only briefly.

And if none of these vices will do, and I find my thoughts always turn back to you, I’ll look at my phone, I’ll stare at the green by your name on Facebook and I’ll wonder and wonder, if today is the day, if the time is now, when I finally hear from you.

It seems, however many days, however many vices,  there’s no replacement for you.

i had, so easily, forgotten the joy i get from words and the pleasure of release they offer. i had, so easily, forgotten the small things in life,  that give me so much peace. i don’t know how it came to be, that a summer night in solitude was all i needed. a few fireflies winking in the dark, it even made me appreciate load shedding.

i had forgotten to value the ‘i love you’ at the end of a call with my father, a hug from him when he’s proud of me. i had forgotten the care of my mother. i didn’t see that her growing dependency on me is trust, is love. that there is beauty to new ages. that as we grow older, we also grow better.

i had, so easily, forgotten that my journey here is to learn. and so there is many teachings to look to. for comfort. for inspiration. for laughter. for love. for life.

and in return, i have the ability of creation. of creating moments, of stringing words together, of developing a role that enables me to affect lives. i can create art in summer dresses, in late night stitches, i can give love form in affection, in kindness. i can leave my mark in moments that won’t have a tangible form. i’m okay with the best bits of me and of life being lost to memory.

my only wish while i’m still here, is that i could find a way to not forget so easily. to remember all the good. to always see the beauty.

help me remember, please.

it’s like that cousin you’re not fond of who is always over. the friend you can only take in small doses. that lover who doesn’t know how to love you. it’s that relationship you just can’t get away from, no matter what you do.

overactive when you should be asleep. keeping your mind awake, keeping your heart numb, keeping you in their hold. to rob you of your rightful sleep. to toy with you.  lulling you into restless tossing and turning, taunting you with fragments of dreams. denying you the rest, the escape, that you so desperately need. somehow, the night passes. it always does.

and in the morning. you rouse with the heavy arm of an over-protective lover already suffocating your day. you’re tired. baby, you need rest. the simple weight of their presence, their warped understanding is already too much to bear. okay. you say. i’ll stay for 5 more minutes. you haven’t it in you to fight it.

and those 5 minutes, they turn into hours. those very hours where you should be developing your life’s work. where you should be with people who are the light of your life. those hours where you go out into the world and live. don’t worry about it. that voice whispers. there’s tomorrow. stay in, you deserve it. and you find yourself agreeing.

but while you lie there, alone, unfed, and so alone except for that constant companion…you spiral into guilt. into such deep guilt. to-do lists that never get done. to-do lists that grow. meetings that are missed. excuses that are fabricated. truths that are skewed. i’m fine. i’m fine. i’m fine. but you can’t silence it, you then turn to that voice, as dark as it is, it is a voice of comfort. shhhhh. it says. let go. you’re tired. sleep now and dream those worries away. sleep. sleep. sleep some more.

but you emerge from that sleep more tired than before. why you keep allowing yourself to be fooled, why you permit yourself to be tricked, it is weakness. it is being so weary. it is having your nights and day confused. having your mind is a constant state of unrest. it’s being unable to see people. to face the world. it’s the growing desire to never wake. it’s watching your life be wasted.

it’s okay. take the day for yourself. you don’t have to answer to anyone. it’s just one day. i’m here, always. i love you, always. 

and those hours, they turn into days. and into weeks. leaving you longing longing oh so aching and longing for these brutal months to be over. like the winter of my soul. so cold. so lifeless. perpetual darkness.  it vists, like winter, every year.  like winter, it feels like.it.will.never.end.

it’s like that cousin who doesn’t know it’s well past time to leave. the friend who you keep seeing out of a misplaced sense of duty. that lover who doesn’t know the best way to love you is to let you go. it’s that relationship you just can’t get away from, no matter what you do.  that consumes your energy, your mind, your diet, your health. that takes up all of you. for all you are, for all you could have been.

when it passes,  you think it’s over, but when is it over if it always comes back? that uninvited guest who never leaves.

 

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