Sometimes, the best you can do is barely get by. You only just survive. And during times like these, my life force, my saving grace, comes in the form of many a vice.

With a hurting heart, a confused mind, and a weary soul, I look to numb myself in five ways (or more).

One: In drink I find the bottom of many a bottle. Wine or beer, hell any glass blend will do, but I’ll only drink if there are friends to drink with me too.

Two: What better way to distract the heart but by altering the mind. From haze to haze, I can unravel, rest, and unwind.

Three: In times of need, as many friends as possible will do. And with gaps of silence throughout the day I’ll reach out to those far away and just write to say, ‘hey, i’m thinking of you’

Four: In misery an empty belly will not do, and that vastness in my heart, I’ll attempt to fill with food.

Five: As day slips into night, and the escape of sleep is still so far away, I’ll tune out to imagines in color, light, and sound. In film and in documentary, I’ll learn myself into a new world, even if only briefly.

And if none of these vices will do, and I find my thoughts always turn back to you, I’ll look at my phone, I’ll stare at the green by your name on Facebook and I’ll wonder and wonder, if today is the day, if the time is now, when I finally hear from you.

It seems, however many days, however many vices,  there’s no replacement for you.

i had, so easily, forgotten the joy i get from words and the pleasure of release they offer. i had, so easily, forgotten the small things in life,  that give me so much peace. i don’t know how it came to be, that a summer night in solitude was all i needed. a few fireflies winking in the dark, it even made me appreciate load shedding.

i had forgotten to value the ‘i love you’ at the end of a call with my father, a hug from him when he’s proud of me. i had forgotten the care of my mother. i didn’t see that her growing dependency on me is trust, is love. that there is beauty to new ages. that as we grow older, we also grow better.

i had, so easily, forgotten that my journey here is to learn. and so there is many teachings to look to. for comfort. for inspiration. for laughter. for love. for life.

and in return, i have the ability of creation. of creating moments, of stringing words together, of developing a role that enables me to affect lives. i can create art in summer dresses, in late night stitches, i can give love form in affection, in kindness. i can leave my mark in moments that won’t have a tangible form. i’m okay with the best bits of me and of life being lost to memory.

my only wish while i’m still here, is that i could find a way to not forget so easily. to remember all the good. to always see the beauty.

help me remember, please.

it’s like that cousin you’re not fond of who is always over. the friend you can only take in small doses. that lover who doesn’t know how to love you. it’s that relationship you just can’t get away from, no matter what you do.

overactive when you should be asleep. keeping your mind awake, keeping your heart numb, keeping you in their hold. to rob you of your rightful sleep. to toy with you.  lulling you into restless tossing and turning, taunting you with fragments of dreams. denying you the rest, the escape, that you so desperately need. somehow, the night passes. it always does.

and in the morning. you rouse with the heavy arm of an over-protective lover already suffocating your day. you’re tired. baby, you need rest. the simple weight of their presence, their warped understanding is already too much to bear. okay. you say. i’ll stay for 5 more minutes. you haven’t it in you to fight it.

and those 5 minutes, they turn into hours. those very hours where you should be developing your life’s work. where you should be with people who are the light of your life. those hours where you go out into the world and live. don’t worry about it. that voice whispers. there’s tomorrow. stay in, you deserve it. and you find yourself agreeing.

but while you lie there, alone, unfed, and so alone except for that constant companion…you spiral into guilt. into such deep guilt. to-do lists that never get done. to-do lists that grow. meetings that are missed. excuses that are fabricated. truths that are skewed. i’m fine. i’m fine. i’m fine. but you can’t silence it, you then turn to that voice, as dark as it is, it is a voice of comfort. shhhhh. it says. let go. you’re tired. sleep now and dream those worries away. sleep. sleep. sleep some more.

but you emerge from that sleep more tired than before. why you keep allowing yourself to be fooled, why you permit yourself to be tricked, it is weakness. it is being so weary. it is having your nights and day confused. having your mind is a constant state of unrest. it’s being unable to see people. to face the world. it’s the growing desire to never wake. it’s watching your life be wasted.

it’s okay. take the day for yourself. you don’t have to answer to anyone. it’s just one day. i’m here, always. i love you, always. 

and those hours, they turn into days. and into weeks. leaving you longing longing oh so aching and longing for these brutal months to be over. like the winter of my soul. so cold. so lifeless. perpetual darkness.  it vists, like winter, every year.  like winter, it feels like.it.will.never.end.

it’s like that cousin who doesn’t know it’s well past time to leave. the friend who you keep seeing out of a misplaced sense of duty. that lover who doesn’t know the best way to love you is to let you go. it’s that relationship you just can’t get away from, no matter what you do.  that consumes your energy, your mind, your diet, your health. that takes up all of you. for all you are, for all you could have been.

when it passes,  you think it’s over, but when is it over if it always comes back? that uninvited guest who never leaves.

 

the time has come when the purr of airplanes causes my head to tilt upward in longing. as the sleek body of silver glides across black velvet skies, or cuts through cushions of clouds, i ache to be in a seat, strapped in, feeling the roar the plane leaves behind.

i itch to be on the move, i hunger to be on the go. with mounting pressure at work, and the stress of day to day life, my nomadic heart cries for new roads.

and soon, oh so soon, i’ll be on my way to some place new.

the countdown is all but at a close, and the only thing that remains are details and for me to pack my clothes. the reassurance of a ticket, and the visa stamped in my passport, it soothes my soul.

each place i go leads to hellos and there are so many goodbyes scattered on the way. but for now I’ll take leave of routine and predictability, of faces that I’ve got used to seeing, I’ll indulge in a needed change of scenery. and come time to make the journey back,i know i won’t want to leave.each trip away is another reason to be less inclined to return, as though Nepal grows into feeling like home, home is not a geographic place my heart years. My heart wanders and seeks, my heart has so many places to go.

profanities surface with ease and it is only a split second of thought that prevents them from tumbling off a lashing tongue.

harsh words come to mind and under it, deep seeded hate. hate for humans. hate for humanity. hate for our demands, our self-righteousness, deep deep hate for the baseless sense of self entitlement.

who the fuck are you? who the fuck are they?
(who the fuck am I?)

these thoughts, this angst, this unsettled desire to scream froths and festers. it foams and hardens into crust. it stains and it stays.

the bad always stays.

and those curses, those pointed comments laced with poison, the true affection of anger, frustration, and hurt–they remain unsaid. they stay veiled. they lay in wait.

and among it all, just a thing so small, a word so kind, an action of good thought, a kiss of love, would go a long long long way. encouragement is difficult to seek, and when sought it’s not easy to find :/

today, i despair over it all.

tonight, if i have time to spare, maybe i’ll weep it out in bitter tears.

bitter too is an acquired taste.

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