with time to waste we lie in bed allowing sleep to come and go as it pleases. we lose ourselves to the song of guitar strings and your voice lulling through on-the-spot lyrics. somehow, the days blend and we’ve vanished into hazes of conversation and then some other things.

i said i thought about writing something for/about/inspired by you, but i don’t think you’d see the meaning in it, so i want you to know, i’m actually noting this down for me.

it might have been a waste of time, but there was much worth remembering.

those small moments. they could be lost. in in-betweens.

When groups of men would travel from Tibet to Nepal, they would do so carrying salt  to bring back for trade and income. I imagine the journey lasted for weeks, and I imagine they faced many hardships. Of the difficulties that come with trekking across mountains and challenging terrain, there is the simple fact that one would be carrying salt on ones back. I imagine these loads would be as much or more than the weight of the man carrying the load.

And here’s where I heard an interesting story. According to a man I know whose family lineage connects back to these salt traders, when the salt on one man’s back became so heavy of a burden his legs would shake and he could barely take another step, the other men would add to his load.

Add.

A man on the verge of collapse would be cared for by having the weight on his back increased. With more than he could bear, he would be forced to carry forth for a little while longer. And then, when it was as much as he could handle, the extra load would be taken off…and the original load would remain, but it would feel lighter. And the man could carry on with the same weight, but with more ease.

In ways I cannot put into words, this story, this truth, this reality, the simplicity of it speaks to me.

 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.”
Matthew 5:13

 

 

 

perhaps in jest, N asked me to work for him. he then made a strange comment,

“i’ll pay you in happiness”

i smiled at the offer and didn’t think much of it, until much later. what a proposition to make. to assure you could guarantee someone’s happiness, and that to, you could turn it into a form of payment.

what a risk. what a stance. what danger, and what vats of perhaps stupidity.

i may not be “happy” where i am, but i sure as hell am challenged daily and from where i stand, the passion, the dedication, the service, and the love–that all is payment plenty.

 

last year, on this date, i was in a completely different frame of mind and state of being. except for one specific occurrence there is no reason this date should be given any importance in my memory. perhaps as the years wane, this date will lose its significance in the same way other dates have lost their meaning. importance and priorities change.

none the less, at least this once, i wanted to mark February 13th for what it still represents.

a day is but a day, but it awes me how so much transpires over a year.

in a year, my work has changed, my hair is altered, my body has undergone significant modifications.in a year, my travels have taken me on various adventures, an array of encounters, in a odd variety of places. i have found love, lost it, and discovered peace amidst all the confusion and nonsense. i have met new people who have become new friends to replace other people i misplaced along the way. the building i call home has shifted and my definition of ‘home’ has reached another phase in its evolution.

my mind has expanded as my world continues to shrink.

and somehow i am still me.

and somehow, this year, i will stand in the exact same physical spot i occupied last year.

waiting…but not for the same reason. not for the same thing.

never the same.

always changing.

in a way, these shifts and odd coincidences, these unforeseeable events linked in the most unexpected of ways, all this…life (i suppose we could call it), has earned my appreciation.

 

 

 

 

the unknown of next year excites and thrills me.

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